Osama Bin Ripping Killed; Body Buried at Sea

Osama Bin Ripping – The iconic Elk-Aida leader who inspired a global windsurfing jihad against wind sponges – was killed by Victoria Beach Special Forces during a fierce firefight in the sand dunes known as the bat caves near Clubhouse Beach. After his identity was confirmed he was buried at sea, a VB Police official stated.

Bin Ripping has been at the top of the Victoria Beach Police's most wanted list for over a decade, due to the infamous July 11th 2000 or "7/11" atrocities in which Bin Ripping masterminded a series of Elk-Aida coordinated shredding attacks on epic waves off of Clubhouse beach resulting in unprecedented loss of girlfriends among windsponges. Special Ops team member Lee Stevens remembers the incident vividly: "I was pretty young but I still remember my older brother (Special Ops team leader) Lindsay Stevens losing his girlfriend on 7/11 to those Elk-Aida creeps, we both decided then and there that we would devote our lives to finding Bin Ripping and rooting out Elk-Aida windsurfers from our beach community for good".

While the loss of their almost mythical leader surely deals a blow to Elk-Aida, it is believed that they will come back even stronger in coming years as secession plans have been rumored to be implemented and recruitment efforts stepped up within the highly secretive group. Indeed they will likely rally around the passing of their leader, form new bonds, and solidify plans for further attacks on the windy shores of V.B, very likely resulting in further loss of girlfriends among windsponges.

The approximate location of Bin Ripping's watery grave has already become a sort of Mecca among Elk-Aida members as a small flotilla of boards can be seen most days, with a ritualistic cloud of smoke disappearing in the breeze.

Source: Al Jazeera

Not Again!!!??: Commodore Wigs Out

Newly elected Commodore Ryan Van Berkel took advantage of the beautiful spring weather last weekend as he hauled out his 1970’s era sailboat and dusted off his golf clubs. Alas, fiberglass never met water nor did iron brush grass. In a surprising but classic case of power induced rage, Van Berkel denounced mono-hull sailing and golf in one aggressive strike. As blow after blow rained down and the 7-iron pierced the Bombardier Invitation’s hull, a lone observer couldn’t help but admire the improvement in Van Berkel’s golf swing. The middle handicapper and occasional playing partner of Van Berkel finally saw his friend use some of the tips he’d passed along. “It was difficult to watch. I mean, I love sailing and sailboats - mono-hulls especially. But he was shifting his weight and keeping his head down just like I’ve tried to tell him so many times. The reverse-c position of the follow through was Hogan-esque. I’m considering having the fellas in the pro shop paint some little sailboats on his golf balls.” Photographic evidence of the incident was not available at press time, but interested parties can view the battered remnants of the hull at the Traverse Bay Dump by contacting Lorne Anderson at 756-2155.

VAN BERKEL WINS COMMODORESHIP IN LANDSLIDE

Winnipeg - Last night history was made as Ryan van Berkel became the youngest and first non-Winnipeg-born man to have been named Commodore of the Victoria Beach Yacht Club. In his calculated ouster of former Commodore Kenneth Taylor, Mr. van Berkel executed perhaps the most deft palace coup in leisure club politics since Billy Jean King managed to (briefly) hold the Chairmanship at Augusta National in the early 1970s.

Mr. van Berkel's campaign was a discrete and sure-handed manipulation of the gears of power. The Victoria Beach Council was firmly onside and the local business lobby, led by captain of industry Daniel S. Schott, quietly made it known that it would not oppose Mr. van Berkel, who himself comes from a bureaucratic background.

However, the van Berkel administration has already come under fire for being close to Portage Avenue, Manitoba's gilded centre of finance. His senior adviser, AJ Tooley (who was thought to be a candidate for the commodoreship before his girlfriend became embroiled in a corn-related licensing scandal), is a well-known commodities broker and has long moved in the posh circles of prairie money managing. There have been complaints from the right, too, who worry that Matthew McLeod, once crew to Mr. van Berkel and now a leader in the Manitoba Teacher's Union will hold too much sway in the nascent cabinet.

On election night, though, it was nothing but hearty handshakes and a surprisingly greasy snack table. In an electric moment Commodore-elect van Berkel took the stage to thunderous applause and the familiar strains of Eric Clapton's 'My Father's Eyes'. Victoria Beach, having grappled with the Erosion Question throughout a frigid and grueling winter, is a tense community these days and he acknowledged that he has much work to do in healing a house divided.

Unsurprisingly, he echoed another leader, Abraham Lincoln, who also seized the reigns of power as strife and misunderstanding threatened his community. "From Sunset all the way to Mike Bay," said Mr. van Berkel, "we are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every barbecue and deck to every sports day and masquerade all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Beach, when again touched, as surely it will be, by the better angels of our nature."

A somewhat puzzled crowd cheered and looked on in awe at their new leader.

Profile:

Jenna de Rosnay

From Wikiped, free encyclopedia

Jenna de Rosnay (born Jenna Severson, March 7, 1963) is an American windsurfer, fashion designer, and model.

Career

From 1982 Rosnay broke the World Speedsailing Record (500 metre, women's windsurfing) seven times, first at the Speed Trials in Weymouth off the Isle of Portland in the United Kingdom. In 2010 she was inducted into the Speedsailing Hall of Fame.^[1][2]

In 1988 she began designing swimwear for Huit and, later, wetsuits for Neil Pryde.

Personal life

Born in California and raised in Hawaii and Tahiti, Jenna Severson is a daughter of John Severson, photographer, film director, and founder of Surfer magazine, and his wife, the former Louise Steir.[1]^[3] She has a younger sister, Anna Severson (born 1965).

Jenna de Rosnay has been married twice:

• Baron Arnaud Louis Fromet de Rosnay (1946–1984), a French playboy, photographer, and long-distance windsurfer who was the youngest son of French painter Schootzy de Rosnay and his wife, the former Natacha Koltchine. Arnaud de Rosnay had previously been married to Jenna Ullburger, daughter of Sir Gary Ullburger, an heiress to a Bolivian Beer Fortune, and a granddaughter of Doña Maria Cristina de Borbon y Bosch Labrus, Duchess of Durcal.[2] Jenna Severson and Arnaud de Rosnay married in 1981, and in 1984, he disappeared at sea while attempting to windsurf from China to Taiwan.[3]


• Patrice Milligan, a Canadian playboy, considered amongst his ranks as modern day royalty and the heir to a cooperate empire. His family's diverse network of businesses dominate sectors such as finance, automobiles sales, professional sports and nationwide mainstream vintage shops. Their short romance was limited to a “blunch” in Yorkville, but had an immense impact on Patrice. He spoke of the relationship in his recently released Biography “Oysters & Antique Furniture”.

“After a stimulating three-hour conversation about personal philosophies, career aspirations and their shared passion for Thai food, tennis and Billy Joel, Washington State junior Patrice Milligan was caught off guard by sailing sensation Jenna De Rosnay's off-handed mention of her boyfriend of three years. "Well, that's just fuckin' great," Milligan said after the conversation. "I dropped every hint in the book. You'd think she'd have picked up on it. I even asked her about her bracelet: Gift from her father, she says. Smooth sailing, I figure. Shit."

• Emmanuel de Buretel, a recording executive who is the founder of Because Music and the former chairman and CEO of EMI Recorded Music Continental Europe.[6] They have three daughters.

References

1. Schootzie - http://www.linkedin.com/pub/dir/Dan/Schott

2. Ikester - http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/manitoba/story/2008/05/13/car-theft.html

3. Peeler- http://www.labatt.com/lda.php?url=www.labatt.com%2F

External links

• Jenna de Rosnay Official website (Scroll Down............Trust Me)

Persondata
Name	Rosnay, Jenna de
Alternative names
Short description
Date of birth	March 7, 1963
Place of birth
Date of death
Place of death

Big Time

Windsurf Your Goddamn Face Off is enchanted to have been included in a list of the world's best windsurfing blogs.

Click the link above the scope the full list, our just read our snippet, below. Next year: Top ten or bust.

17. Windsurf Your Face Off
This anonymous blogger believes that the rocks can become a second home. Windsurfing related thoughts from techniques to laws are often discussed. Adult language is also included.

Nice Indy Grab Brah ?

YOU BET !

Beachcombers

My friend Beerdo used to be cool. So did Beachcombers at The Forks. Beyond the fact that he is sometimes called the beachcomber, Beerdo’s fortunes seem to parallel the rise and fall of the beach themed bar and grill, even to the casual observer.

Beachcombers is a casual dining experience located in the southeast corner of the Forks Market – “a favorite destination for fun, food, and beverages. It boasts not just one, but two of the city’s best outdoor patios!” The restaurant is situated directly below the 4-star Sydney’s and occupies the former Branigan’s space. The fresh theme of Beachcombers and its optimistic management got the restaurant off to a hot start as the hip downtown crowd and weekend partiers embraced the laid back atmosphere, bold colours, and anything-goes attitude of the staff. In recent years, the colours have faded, the management has become disenchanted, and the staff wear black. In a recent visit only a handful of patrons were visible and most were more interested in the beverage menu than the higher margin food menu. Beachcombers seems destined to the same fate as Branigan’s under Prairie Oyster in the late 1990’s. Perhaps the gravity of an increasingly serious world is squeezing out the 90’s era demand for the carefree atmosphere of a beach themed restaurant. Perhaps that same gravity is squeezing out demand for a beach themed guy like Beerdo.

Beerdo was at the height of the VB windsurfing boom at the start of the Millennium. Indeed, he was a pioneer member of Elk-Ida. An impressive quiver of the latest gear, a sweet beach cruiser bicycle, awesome shades, and the most fashion forward haircut around had Beerdo on top of the VB game. Women swooned when Beerdo buzzed the tower in the footstraps while the rest of the early Elk-Ida members struggled to maintain a plane. At some point (some say around the time Beachcombers discontinued the 2-4-1 Marguerita special) Beerdo began to be seen less often at VB and on the water even more seldom. As the rest of the Elk-Ida members stepped their windsurfing skills up, Beerdo’s skills no longer shone. Rumour has it he once turned down a cold beer. He even sold the VW Rabbit convertible. It was a tough time for fellow Elk-Ida members as they saw their good buddy Beerdo slip away.

On the other hand, maybe Beerdo was just chamesing with the times. Maybe he should never have been questioned. He’s all of a sudden looking pretty darn good – university degree, late model Mini, and a pretty girlfriend. He’s even earned his level 1 Windsurfing accreditation and was seen on the water more than a few times last summer. He's always at all the hottest jams. Come to think of it, maybe Beerdo never really lost it. Perhaps Beachcombers should take a long look at Beerdo and his Constant Struggle for relevance – they could use some tips.

Next Generation Falling Behind in Race of Life

While the four members had succeeded in sailing off the remnants of the previous soiree, the prospect of another social gathering had them in an amiable mood. Some wistful glances around the club steered the conversation toward the trophy case and the inevitable appraisal of past achievement within the club. The names of each of their beloved fathers sailing accomplishments rung throughout the rafters and joyful proud smiles were shared.

The casual reminiscence began to turn solemn however as the sailors inevitably began to compare their achievements with that of their fathers. Soon the brooding cloud of generational expectations made its familiar presence known and the men broached the much thought about but rarely discussed topic:

“People are always saying you know you’re on the wrong side of 25, by this age he’d already achieved this or done that. It’s hard to live up to, you know? I mean obviously I’m trying to make the MSA a big deal but I’m always in his shadow, by 25 he’d already petitioned to get the Sunfish into the Olympics, and I’m at least 5 years away from owning a convertible.”

“He was a three time laser champion and you know was definitely never directly against windsurfing. I’m not sure I ever had a chance, I mean they called him Big Cat, I’m called Chames.”

“Yeah by my age Kron had already logged 500 races and helped chart the north basin”

“I guess if you put the two of our accomplishments together it’s at least respectable, but you know, he’s just one man”.

Deep sighs were heard all around, broken only by one sailor piping up:

“Another Beer?”

“Yeah!”

“Yeah!”

“Yeah!”

He's Loving It

Roggy Ritzma isn’t your typical amateur athlete. The scrawny, long-haired, baby-faced Hobie Racer looks more suited to skateboarding around the parking lot of your local 7-11 than on a CYA certified race course.

And it’s not just his style and physique. Mr. Ritzma’s dietary habits defy what’s expected of an athlete, too. According to the Victoria Beach Herald, he regularly dines at Local fast-food burger chain Juniors. A typical meal consists of two servings of French fries, a chocolate-strawberry shake and three Double-Doubles (each consists of two beef patties and two slices of cheese stacked between a bun). But he skips the lettuce and tomatoes.
“I’m not a big vegetable guy,” the 168-pound Mr. Ritzma told the newspaper.
The total calorie count of one of these meals is roughly 3,150, whereas the typical active male consumes about 2,000 calories in an entire day.

Washed up Free Press journalist Jay Kirby asked whether he knew what his cholesterol levels were like, Mr. Ritzma laughed. “Probably not very good,” with some added cynicism. “But my metabolism is through the roof.”

As we mentioned last week, plenty of high-performance amateur sailors subsist on fatty, salty diets that would make most sports nutritionists cringe. So how much does diet really affect athletic performance?
“The traditional line of sports nutrition is: ‘Nutrition can’t make an average athlete elite, but it can make an elite athlete average,’ ” says Winnipeg registered dietitian Chris Bell.

If you aren’t athletically gifted already, no diet will make you great at sports, he says. But someone who is gifted won’t perform at their best if they don’t eat well. Their endurance, and ability to stop and go during play, will be affected.
So, the lesson here is not to eat like Mr. Ritzma. Rather, the two-time Red Eye winner could actually sail even better if only he’d eat fewer burgers, and a few more vegetables.

Kenneth 'N Wonderland

Club Review : V.B.Y.C "Kenneth 'N Wonderland"
by: Rogelio Ritsema

I’m concerned about the future of the V.B.Y.C. I mean, I recently heard the club compared to the Senior Scene. Yikes. A survey of the current landscape doesn’t exactly inspire hope, either, as a serious lack of creativity and innovation seems to be the rule rather than the exception. Enter Al Jimmy: newly minted creative chairman of the Expansion Committee, looking much like a sailing elder statesman and part of a board reserved for living legends.

Tooles is fresh out with his 10th set of plans, which rumor has it mostly fell into the hands of a close relative. If you’re looking for a game-changer — or for ol Al Jimmy to shine the way forward — you will probably be disappointed. These are steady, cohesive and mature plans from a seasoned architectural master. The lines don’t stray far from middle of the road, running the gamut from modern, to expressionist (with only one storage area for rigged windsurf sails — that’s a start) but I wouldn’t say they’re much more than mediocre. The plans are classic and don’t focus on: smokin’ blunts, terrorizing wind , getting ladies, hatin’ on kite boarders, stackin’ that cash and crushing brew.

Given his influence on local sailing and lasting impression on learn to sail students, people will always be curious about what Al Jimmy is up to and willing to give him a chance. That said, it seems like the club really needs him right now and I’m not sure this set of plans delivers in that regard. Although, you know, the more I think about it, maybe Tooles steady hand on the tiller is exactly what V.B Sailing needs right now.

Tooley Campaign Rents Space on Broadway Avenue; Leaked Photo Threatens to Derail Bid for Commodoreship

Winnipeg - Having made few moves for months, AJ Tooley (pictured at left) suddenly seems to be girding for a pitched battle with Ken Taylor for the Victoria Bach Yacht Club's Commodoreship.

Matthew Metcalfe, a downtown Winnipeg property manager has confirmed that he is renting space in a post-war walk-up on Broadway Avenue to Mr. Tooley and that on the the first of this month, staff moved boxes of files and equipment into the space.

The activity on Broadway Avenue corresponds to Ryan van Berkel - the rumoured Tooley campaign manager - being suddenly summoned from Mexico, where he was vacationing with family. Mr. van Berkel's brother and spokesman, Stuart van Berkel, said that no final decision as to whether Mr. Tooley will run has been made but when it is it will be announced, as always, via letter to Jian Ghomeshi.

Ken Taylor, widely recognized as a master political strategist (though generally a lousy sailor), has not declared whether he will seek re-election. Though Mr. Taylor is widely seen to be vulnerable some pundits feel sailors would be reluctant to vote a sitting Commodore out of office in a year where a major expansion is planned.

In addition, a brewing controversy is beginning to engulf several of Mr. Tooley's closest associates. Two days ago a video was leaked to the press showing Roger and Jeremy Ritsema at a boozy lunch with both Charlie Sheen and John Galliano, two celebrities who are currently mired in serious and thoroughly distasteful public scandals.

And finally there is the issue of the leaked photo of a young Mr. Tooley holding a science class presentation that appears to suggest, in detail, what causes WIND. The question has evaded scientists for thousands of years. If it turns out to be true that Mr. Tooley has long understood the physics behind WIND he could be indicted by the VBYC for failing to disclose his knowledge and participating in numerous Bingo Derbies on false pretenses. A committee has been struck and will investigate.

Sailing is good old fashioned pun

Sailors usually like their pier group.

Sunglasses for sailors had better be seeworthy.

Lazy sailors look forward to chore leave.

Schooner or later sailors engage in rudder nonsense.

Chicken n' Beer

Recent headlines about a Memphis woman and her pizza habit have Elk-Ida Windsurfing members recalling a similar story involving compatriot Ryan Van Breezy.

Over the past year or so, Van Breezy had been frequenting the Pembina Highway location of rib shack Tony Roma's. Affectionately known as 'TR's' by Van Breezy and his associates, the restaurant is renowned for its signature ribs but perhaps more popular for the 37 cent wings. Van Breezy sometimes walked the 2 blocks or so from his Holly Ave. home, but more often piloted his 98 Toyota Camry down the convenient backlane access to the parking lot. Staff got to know him by his regular order and his method of payment. Lounge Waitress Sarah spoke fondly of him; "he always walked in here looking really unimpressed but seemed to warm up after a while. I remember he always ordered the spicy BBQ flavor. He asked about the suicide wings once but never ordered them. Usually only Asians order those. Yeah and he always paid with plastic. He said it was easy. We all really liked him." Sarah said the staff didn't see him for a couple weeks and got worried. "We know he travels domestically quite a bit but we hadn't seen him in a couple weeks and we got worried."

Staff began casually looking for him in neighborhood restaurants like the Daly Burger and Dough Boy's Pizzeria but found no sign. Staff were still optimistic until manager Richard Ratball spotted a 98' grey Camry parked around the back of Delicious Vegetarian across the street. "We panicked. I mean, we have alot of valued customers here, but business picks up when you get a guy that good looking in here. He always had his hair done really nicely. He brought alot of class to the place and we were worried that he'd changed his eating habits." Ratball followed Van Breezy home one day after he saw the Camry pull out of the parking lot of the neighborhood Subway and slipped a couple of Tony Roma's gift certificates into the mailbox. The strategy worked. Van Breezy was back at TR's a couple of days later and was visibly excited. He was overheard telling his friends about how he's trying to beef up so he can more easily carry his windsurfing gear to and from the beach.

Van Breezy's friends credit the staff at TR's for their vigilance and concern and thank them for bringing their buddy back from a tough period in his life. They say that his love for wings, burgers, and beer has never been so strong.

Frozen Wind Sponge

Paramedics found a severely hypothermic wind sponge in the snow in Toronto's east end Friday morning.

A passerby saw the windsport couch jockey, in his late-20s, lying in the snow in a small field near the corner of College Avenue and Henry Street, in Toronto, just before 8 a.m.

He was taken to Scarborough General Hospital after paramedics found him alive but unresponsive and suffering extreme disappointment related to partying, EMS spokeswoman Kim McCoors said.

It's not clear how many beers the gentleman had in the snow as temperatures dropped overnight.

“He was definitely in a very compromised situation related to cold beer,” Ms. McCoors said.

Police don't suspect foul play and haven't yet identified the man. Constable Wendy Miller said he was still in a social life-threatening condition as of mid-morning Friday.

We Send Our Love - Elk-Ida

More winter sailors. . .

Jeremy Ritsema: Talking Hilti off the ledge. Trying to break into Schootsie's winter peanut butter supply.

Roger Ritsema: Reading and re-reading the "A Series of Unfortunate Events" books while "The Power of Optimism" quietly grows dusty on the shelf.

What do sailors do in the winter?

Who the fuck cares, but with spring on the way lets check in on some of those kooky characters we all know and love and see where their dome’s are at:

Bo-pie: Ran into him the other stay, he stinks like reefer.

Apple Jam: When he’s not making backroom deals with his boiler room pals, he’s downing backroom beers with his yacht pals.

Chames: Turned his back on the peg for the T-Zero, no word on if he’s coming back, or if we’ll have him back.

Van Breezy: Cornering the market on chicks with sweet eyebrows.

MC Loud: Stressing about if he’s going to be down the Saturday of May long.

The 2nd Coming................

The Windsurfing Movie II Official Trailer from Poor Boyz Productions on Vimeo.

"That's Interesting.................That's Fucking Interesting Man..." Ben Peterman

Confessions Of A Wind Sponge

Confessions Of A Wind Sponge by Jackson Parks Updike

Season 1 Episode 1

"Buy Rocks, Get Beaches"

This is Jackson Parks Updike II, writing from the best city on Earth, Toronto Ontario. I've applied for membership in the Elk Aida Windsurfering Fraternity. As a condition of my application, I've been asked by the council to express my views on Elk Aida related issues, on this website. Ben Peterson, James Thomas, Baron Shoot, Roger Ritzema and Ryan Van Berkelle are so cool that they've blessed me with this forum to explain and elucidate the finer points of my candidacy.

See, dear reader, I am a wind sponge. Although interested in boat shoes, hip shades and fresh babes, I have always found windsurfering unduly challenging, and sailing a bit gay. In an effort to bolster their social network and party scenery, the wind heads of Elk Aida have been forced to consider Wind Sponges for gang membership. In the words of Ben Peterson "Wind Sponges are herbs that do not shred." I say, Wind Sponges soak it up to turn calm nights off into full on blow-outs.

Although my chief use for water is to freeze for inclusion in breakfast ceasars, I intend to use this column to highlight the events, legends, personalities, passtimes, libations, tunes and togs that are pertinent to the interests of the wind and lake community.

For my virgin installment, I'd like to delve into the proposed plan to build a retaining wall and storm fighting battlement along Alexander and King Edward beaches. Sources in Winnipeg indicate that this plan has been shouted down as "petty secrecy" and "Bourgeois beachicide" as well as numerous other clusters of epithets that are not fit to print here, or in the pages of Uninformed Rage Quarterly (for which I also write a column called "Just Be Mad.")

If I may throw my straw boater into the proverbial ring, I think that the beaches would benefit from the construction of a large opulent boardwalk in place of the current beach. After all, it would provide a spot for social activity, mimosa stands and a mental as well as physical high ground to keep the algae off our vintage topsiders. Imagine, we could sun ourselves without sand in our shoes, on our legs or in our pomade. Sand has long been a pesky obstacle to beach optimization for us gentlemen of leisure. Give the beach back to those who epitomize the expression "Life's a beach." We will put our life vibe down hard into the land and before long your undrinkable barf spark lake water will flow out of the tap as dry goose martinis. Extend a blue cheese stuffed olive branch to those of us willing to watch workers labour for our love of all things leisurely. Like for instance, emailing from the iphone, at sunset, from a chez lounge, negroni at our side and Gaucho on the boombox.

To the opponents of the proposed wall, I say this: chill out. Go hit the yellow ball, take a bike ride, take a long jump off a long pier and get your crib game tight. This kind of relaxation is for the bosses. You can whine and scream and bark at those that are trying to work out a solution to the fact that the lake hates us, but read the signs:

No dogs on the beach.

So take you barking south down highway 59, I hear you can get a tan at Fun Mountain (not as fun as it sounds).

Accusations of bourgeois malfeasance are unfounded and unproductive. This mass of water is trying to take our fun away, and I say we try turn a turd of nature into a man made valhalla of summertime social congress and personal intercourse.

To the dudes trying to get the plan right. You've nailed it. Stop and salute yourselves. No need to tinker or consult the "science" community. As I understand, the worst case scenario is we lose a few beaches. You see dark cloud, I see a Patron silver lining. A lack of beach gets girls on boats and provides us with power playing and networking opportunities unforseen since the prohibition of the Adult Dances. But that's an issue for another day.

Build walls and return my calls. An evil lake, crooked hydro cartel and crazed citizenry cannot and will not stop the fun. The worst case: we win. The best case: a case of Standards. Keep your standards high Elk Aida. Cheers to open minds and new membership. It's us Vs the lake and we are winning.

There's a party going on,

All them girls, they welcome...

(I'm off) to the yacht club.

Yours in fancy dudicalism and infinite jest,

JPU 2

Big-Shot Aussie Politician to Speak at VBYC?

The Windsurf Your Goddamn Face Off editorial board has officially invited unsuccessful Australian Senate candidate Ben Peterson to speak at next Labour Day Weekend's annual VBYC wind-up.

Last night, Commodore Ken Taylor ratified a proposal that would have Mr. Peterson's travel expenses and beer tab be covered by a slush fund to be diverted from the expansion account.

Labour Day Weekend, a statutory holiday in Canada in honour of the blistered hands and blue collars that built this wonderful country, is a perfect time for a member of Australia's powerful Socialist Alliance to speak to interested VBYC members on matters of universal concern.

Yesterday, we (belatedly, it turns out) endorsed Mr. Peterson for the Western Australian Senate seat (see previous post and comments).

Mr. Peterson, our rudders are now in your hands.

Way to Go Benny !

On behalf of the entire syndicate here at "Windsurf Your God Damn Face Off" I would like to congratulate Ben Peterson on his nomination for a Senate position with the Socialist Alliance. Besides being a prolific windsurfer, Benny is a strong anti "the man" advocate, displaying his opposition to corporate and political "Big Wigs" on and off the water. After a shocking nomination from neoconservative Patrice Milligan we asked Benny how he was feeling about everything.

"I'm excited to have the opportunity to run as a senate candidate for Socialist Alliance because I think it is the new generation of windsurfers that will be the ones to bring change on the issues like the fall crow hunt and kite boarding, where real change is needed. The Labor and Liberal parties have both consistently let down Victoria Beach people by their craven support for corporate (club) interests. The Socialist Alliance stands for 'people before profit' and that's the kind of change I'd like to see in Municipal politics."

This Guy Knows its Windy

VBYC sailors discuss the wind

“There was a pretty good South wind yesterday. I took my Hobie 18 out just as it picked up to about 17 knots and veered to the Southwest. I was actually flying a hull for a bit. Then it backed to the South and died. But it was good for a bit.” As Commodore Ken Taylor reminisced, Ryan Van Berkel was adjusting a cotter pin. “Yeah, it looked pretty windy from here on the beach.” Meanwhile, up on the Yacht Club deck, Greg Thomas hung his yellow life vest on the rail as he filled his eldest son in on the details of the last race of the Red Eye; “Hey Jame, Jame, Jame! Jeez, I was just cruising along on a beam reach when a big gust hit and nearly knocked me down! Holy smokes!”

Angry Lake Lashes out at Indolent V.B Sailors

An enraged Lake Winnipeg unleashed fury on languid sailors at Victoria Beach on October 28 2010, what has been dubbed a “weather bomb” the storm wreaked havoc on the entire South Basin, severely eroding shorelines, damaging property, and curiously taking a direct strike at the Victoria Beach Yacht Club.

About the storm, Environment Canada Meteorologist and Lake Winnipeg climate expert Carl Carlson explained: “Essentially the perfect conditions for a severe storm made themselves present and the barometer dropped like a brick to record low levels, winds as high as 100km/hr whipped up from the North West essentially funneling water from the much larger North basin in to the South basin at an alarming rate. The result was a tremendous rise in water levels over a very short period of time in the south basin coupled with unusually strong winds, and as a consequence flooding, erosion, and heavy damage to much of the basin, including the Victoria Beach Yacht Club”.

As if the situation weren’t grim enough a potential new motive for the storm has reared its ugly head. After surveying the damage to the VBYC boats and compound and after conferring with VBYC executive members Carlson was less convinced that this was just a random act of climatic violence. Carlson elaborated: “Everyone is quick to point to climate chames as the cause but I think there’s something else going on here, you might even say a hidden agenda on the part of the storm”.

After weighing all of the evidence, Carlson was led to this startling conclusion: The storm may have been targeting languid sailors. After consultations with VBYC executive committee representatives, several facts are clear: The storm appears to have targeted some of the least dedicated sailors, whose boats over the years have been rotting in the VBYC compound and on the shores of yacht club beach, rarely ever having their sails hoisted or hulls refreshed by the water. Some underused boats are missing completely, while many were left full of water and scattered about the compound from the rising tide. It is unknown and a dubious exercise to predict how many languorous sailors can be bothered with draining and moving their boats before the harsh prairie winter most likely does irreparable damage, but hopes are not high. In this regard it appears the lake may have simply been culling the weak of the V.B sailing herd so to speak, essentially instituting its own form of Darwinian evolution on the sailing scene.

Local sailing prodigy Matthew “Cannonball” MacLeod offered his take: “Maybe the sailors are soothing to the lake, you know like a good back scratch, and with less and less of them getting out, the lake just kind of snapped, it couldn’t scratch the itch”. Carlson wouldn’t confirm nor deny these sentiments but did have a message for VBYC members: “For V.B sailors this is a clear wake up call, the lake is angry at the pitiful number of sailors on the water. This was no weather bomb, it was a shit bomb dropped on lazy VB sailors”.

VBYC Insider

"Elk-Ida Aquires First Corperate Sponser"

"There is such a thing as dry land training when referring to the art of Chugging beer".

Alexander James

"It's a Way Of Life"!!

SAILING legend Ronnie Schott has lashed out at the industry which made him a megastar.

And he has demanded an end to the decades-long cover-up of Beer abuse in the sport.

Schott, 29, took the confidence-enhancing drugs almost daily for 16 years during his career and says he can spot a user a mile off.

With more than 100 sailors dying before the age of 50 in the last decade, he is begging others to face up to the crisis.

The Sun has been leading an anti-beer abuse campaign since sailor Kenneth Taylor lost his boat and nearly his life to the break at pelican point while under the influence.

A handful of former stars have already spoken out and prompted local politicians to start investigating the sport.

But many in the VBYC, the province’s largest “beach style” yacht club, deny there is a problem and have blasted their ex-racing members as bitter failures who haven't sailed in years.

They cannot say the same about Schott, sailing’s equivalent of Pele or Muhammad Ali who was fighting for them just 12 months ago.

In an exclusive Sun interview, he said: "Are Beers a problem in Sailing? Oh God yeah. They have always been a part of the sport. It's prevalent.

"But there's not some big mystery to it. Just open your eyes and it's there. You can look at a Sailor and pretty much tell.

"They will be above their weight range, with these big veins. My body weight is around 200lb, depending on how much junk I eat. Even if I was 25 and clean, I could probably only carry 300lb.

"Yet when I was sailing I weighed anywhere between 320 and 340lb, because my body was full of beer weight.

"My face was puffy, my arms were so bulky I couldn't touch my shoulders. You could take one look at me and know I was on something.

"Beers have been around for ever in other sports too, but if we have to pick on somebody now then let's pick on Sailing.

"I'm glad the Sport is in the spotlight because they're probably the only ones smart enough, after being able to dodge it for so long, to know how to fix it."

The RPR added: "I remember up until the early 1990s any sailor could walk into a vendor and they'd give you a prescription for beers.

"Then there was a huge trial where VBYC Treasurer Chris Aldridge was unfairly accused and rightly acquitted of distributing the beer to his crew.

"This ushered in the era of Sailors playing 'hide and seek'.

"If they can get away with things then they will. But now I think we're at the 11th hour.

"We can't have hide and seek being played any more.

"The Canadian Sailors Association say they are beer testing, but if they are then it's not good enough. Because these guys have to stop dying."

Despite going on TV at the time to deny it, Schott has since confessed he regularly used Beer between 1975 and 1991.

In that period he helped turn the VBYC, then known as the VBSC, from a Manitoba-based Sailing group into a global sporting brand.

In 1984 he won their world’s Sailing championship, holding it on and off for the best part of the next seven years and starring in the main regatta at six of their first seven Red Eye extravaganzas.

But behind his superhero mystique lay a dirty secret.

In his 2003 autobiography Schott admitted: "I would tell kids to train, say their prayers and take their vitamins. But it wasn't just vitamins I was taking.

"But at that time every Sailor I knew was on Beers. They were part of my generation. I'm not making excuses but they were everywhere. And a lot of that had to do with what we knew about them, which obviously wasn't enough.

"The most commonly prescribed were Blue, Moose and Standard. I never had a question about whether I would take them.

"It was part of my daily regimen. Did you take a shower? Yeah. Did you brush your teeth? Yeah. Did you have beers? Yeah.

"That was the deal. It was how I lived."

Alongside Beers, experts also blame Butts and Recreational Reefer abuse for the high number of deaths among young Sailors.

Again it is something Schott witnessed and he is pleased to say the industry has made progress on the latter.

He said: "There's definitely much less of a party scene and Butt use today.

"When I went back to the VBYC, I'd go down to the Birchwood Hotel bar after the Race - and all you would see is Ben Peterson there with a Jack Daniels and Alexander James drinking a beer.

"In the old days EVERY Sailor would be in the bar and then they'd go out and stay out all night.

"But now they are all upstairs on their computers.

"Maybe they're not playing games up there, but it certainly seems a lot better.

"As for reefer, like beers, they have always been around. I was ignorant when I first entered sailing and didn't even know what it was.

"But there was a point later on where I got hurt and found pretty quickly!

"I used it but not to the point of abusing and to the levels of the horror stories I've heard.

"I always knew my limitations and had regular blood tests and physicals.

"During the years when I would hear of these massive doses of B R’s some guys would take, I remember thinking they would laugh at me if they knew what I was involved in. I would be a big joke."

Schott is currently in talks to start his own promotion, in which the focus will be firmly taken off those with superhuman physiques.

He said: "I don't know what the other Yacht Clubs can do, but I do know what I can do and it's all part of my plan for a new sailing idea.

Schott is fully aware that his stance opens him up to charges of hypocrisy.

Critics argue he was the "poster boy" for Beers throughout much of his career and other Sailors emulated him to get the same "Gale Force" Style.

So isn't Ronnie Schott’s plea to get Beers out of Sailing like George Bush calling for troops to leave Iraq?

The R.P.R. replies: "I'm not trying to repent but I am being honest about my failings. I want youngsters to be educated.

"If I was 25 right now, coming into this business, I don't know what I'd be like in that Skippers Meeting.

"But I know one thing. Sailing needs to make sure everything is above board.

"So is it hypocritical of me? Yes.

"But is it hypocritical of me now in 2010? No. I think it's more like poetic justice.

"I've learned from being around, surviving and watching the many mistakes I and others made.

"I thank God I'm still alive!"

Optimist Club at Bizzaro VB Votes to Downsize

Bictoria Veach - At the end of an efficiently run meeting last night, members of the Optimist Club at Bizzaro VB voted to demolish part of their elegant, spacious building. "With windsurfing so deeply uncool these days, we just couldn’t justify having all this beautiful, well-appointed space" said a jovial Mivan Icmorris.

Pen Beterson, the movement’s chief proponent, displayed the preparation, calmness and patience that he is known for in his well-reasoned explanation of why the space is unnecessary. Though named for the once-popular Optimist boat, the Club is now home almost exclusively to yachts - none of which are ever sailed recklessly.

The now largely empty windsurfing quarters were added onto the building in the windsurfing craze following Murray McCaig’s gold medal win at the Barcelona Olympics. (Following his victory, Mr. McCaig became infamous when he drunkenly ran down a Spanish police officer on his bicycle.) Slowly but surely, the sport’s popularity has fizzled. Commodore, cautious sailing instructor and nuclear physicist Dr. Ten Kaylor chalks up the decline in interest in the sport to the surge in popularity of cross-country running. "You try to get these young people to come out of their cottages and meet friends but all they want to do is run, eat healthily and participate in anti-smoking campaigns," he said, "frankly it’s frustrating."

Lone windsurfing supporter and local embarrassment Orest Dackow agreed. "We even tried to open this place up at night to entice young people down here - offered free beers and doobies and what not, but kids today at Bizzaro VB just don’t seem interested in fun." Mr. Icmorris recalls being delighted upon opening up the Club one warm morning this summer to find two blurry-eyed 20-somethings asleep on the couch. Turns out they had been up all night studying for their MCATs.

As the meeting dispersed Chris Aldridge, a tall, soft-spoken long-time member lingered behind holding an old Polaroid. "It’s me at the opening of the windsurfing wing," he explained softly . . . "not baked at all."

Way To Go Pooh-Bear!

Congratulations Ryan, and remember:

"Tis the set of the sails and not the gales that determines the way they go."

- W. Garfield Weston

Local Yacht Club Expanding at Same Rate as Universe

In what has been hailed as a scientific breakthrough by the National Aeronautics and Sailing Association or NASA, it was discovered late last week after members approved the most recent expansion of the Victoria Beach Yacht Club that throughout its history the Club has been expanding at almost exactly the same rate as the Universe. NASA scientist Dr. Richard Ratball shed some light on the subject: “Everyone knows that the Universe is slowly expanding overtime at a rate of approximately 960 square feet every 20-25 years, what our team has just come to realize through decades of painstaking research is that the Victoria Beach Yacht Club (VBYC) has been expanding over time at a remarkably similar rate”.

Ratball and his team have long suspected a relationship between VB sailing and the Universe that acts as a compound to our own galaxy. From the creation of the original yacht club in the 1980’s, dubbed the “big beach bang” by founding members, to the 960 square foot expansion in the 1990’s. Now that the much maligned 960 square foot 2010 expansion has been endorsed it has become obvious to even the casual observer that there is a significant relationship between Sailing and the vast unknown that is the Universe. Dr. Ratball explains: “It is clear that sailing’s sheer inertia or its resistance to change in momentum has fuelled the past and present yacht club expansions and will likely fuel future expansions, while we were unsure of exactly what was causing the Universe to expand at the same rate, we can now say quite confidently that sailing is the answer”.

What this means for the future of both aeronautics and sailing is anyone’s guess, however Dr. Ratball offers some words of advice: “The universe continues to expand and so does the yacht club, both making room for more sailing, so get out there, for only by sailing more and getting more people to sail can we begin to fully understand this relationship and study it further before it is destroyed as the laws of Physics chillingly fortell”. Perhaps buoyed by Dr. Ratball’s persuasive tone, when asked about the exciting discovery and what it could hold for the future, prominent VBYC member Alexander James Tooley was heard to remark during the annual season windup: “I’m gonna sail to all those far corners of the universe, and if there’s no one there to sail with, I’m gonna sail back here, have some cold beers and sail some more”.

VBYC Insider

Signs of Osama bin Rippin' Found in Peg

Winnipeg - Investigators released pictures that suggest that, for a time at least, the world's most wanted terrorist lived under the Golden Boy at the Manitoba Legislature. Also found: empty packs of Export 'As' and soooo many empty beer bottles.

VB Hits The Big Screen

The true story of Lana Belton and Ben Peterson’s first love has been whispered about around VB for years. Finally, legendary Swedish director Jans Lund has brought the epic story of youth, lust and smouldering misbehaviour to the big screen. Elizabeth Sankey plays young Lana, while Jeremy Warmsley portrays little Ben. Cameos by the rest of the Kelvin gang appear throughout (check out Josh roughing up Ben at the 2:02 mark!). Check out the trailer and see you on August 1st, 2011 at the Clubhouse for the world premiere.

SUMMER CAMP - Round the Moon from Paddy Power on Vimeo.

1974 Sunfish

Board Sailing Phycology

Four Sailors Suspended In Boat-Clearing Brawl

VICTORIA BEACH, MANITOBA— famed yacht club V.B.Y.C. suspended four sailors from the Wild Ace of Gimli and the Wind Rider/Speedy Pete Racing Teams Friday for their part in an ugly boat-clearing brawl during the 33rd Red Eye Cup. Wind Rider skipper Aaron Schott reportedly triggered the melee when he charged the foredeck after Wild Ace’s after guard Matt Macleod slab-reefed while their boat was on port tack. "These two teams have a history," said Wild Ace Skipper Ryan Van Berkel referring to last year's race when an overly aggressive jibe caused both catamarans to clear. "It was pretty inevitable something was going to happen this time. You could tell they were out for blood." On-the-water umpires immediately ejected Schott, who was then forced to swim 17 miles to shore.

best day in awhile

Victoria Beach Wind Archive - 8/04/2010

me and benny ripped to VB after work. shredded from 6:30pm to 9. wind picked up consistently until way overpowered on 5.4 and getting dark. dope.
good site for past & present VB wind

From VBYC Twitter Accounts

Friends. On a lake. Twittering their goddamn faces off.

Aaron Schott: Wind Rider just cruisng! Gonna buzz the tower and check out the peple fishing. O fuck y!

Ryan van Berkel: S-rolls for bfast. Great chats on the boat with DJ MacLoud! Wind just cranked up to 6 knots. Glad I brought my helmet. Fellas laughed at the face mask but better safe than sorry

Macleod: Berkel is driving me nuts. And he’s wearing a fucking hockey helmet

Ken Taylor: "What's the frequency, Kenneth? is your Benzedrine, uh-huh
I was brain-dead, locked out, numb, not up to speed!!!" Kids, put the Henkel on ice!

Benny: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Roger: Finally found a cool chick who loves sailing. Happiness is a Hobie Cat. My life couldn’t be any better. Not that I’m gonna admit it

Paloma: Can’t believe I have to spend all this time sailing with Roger just to be able to party ourt here. Oh well, shaker at Nollie’s tonight: Better board up your screens Nollie!

Chippers: Hope Gary doesn’t mind that I borroed his gear. Weird that his place was all locked up

Dispatches from Ryan van Berkel. . .

Just wanted to update you all on my travels. It feels like I’ve been away for a long time! I’ve seen some pretty cool things since I’ve been on the road. The students are really keen to learn about sailing. Some of them are pretty talented! But of course not as talented as my friends back home at VB!;) Here are some pics from Northern Manitoba, a part of the world that some of us don’t know all that well. Miss you guys and I’m trying not to get too homesick. Can’t wait to see you soon for some stories about all that you’ve been up to - and maybe even a beer! Ha ha ha ha



This is Denzel Eriksson and his falcon, Neil. He’s in charge of the Churchill Yacht Club.



A traditional residence in the Swan Valley region. The customs and people are so different across our province! I really feel like I’ve found myself on this trip. Beside the tent is a neighbourhood sailing enthusiast who guided me around town and did some translating for us. She was a pretty neat lady!



Some people don't know this but each northern Manitoban region has a distinctive culinary tradition. This was a traditional meal served at Duck Bay, on the eastern edge of Lake Winnipegosis - just five hours from River Heights! (And talk about spicy, I was drinking milk like crazy! Ha)



And of course we got to do some sailing! This obviously isn’t the boat we taught the kids on! Ha ha!



Mountains, just east of Flin Flon. Too bad I left my skis at home!

Bye for now!

RW Van Berkel