Wednesday, November 30, 2011

No you Can't

Salisbury House’s ‘Yes We Can’ philosophy apparently does not apply to Aaron Schott. The Winnipeg institution is in the spotlight again today after its chocolate glazed donuts gained worldwide exposure yesterday on Twitter from TV star Will Arnett.

Today’s news isn’t quite as light-hearted: an insider with a prominent Winnipeg law firm has confirmed that former Elk-Ida defense counsel W.D. Stewart, Esq. has been retained by Salisbury House Restaurants Inc. to represent it in a lawsuit against VBYC sailor Aaron Schott. Sals CEO Burton Cummings alleges that Mr. Schott is in the process of building a South-East Asian t-shirt sales empire under the moniker ‘Mr. Big Nip’. If allegations prove to be true the name would infringe on the trademark for the name of Sals’ signature hamburger.

Anyone who has been unfortunate enough to see Mr. Schott shirtless can confirm that he does indeed have huge nips. VBYC Commodore Bryan ‘Safety First’ Van Sleezy cringed when asked about them. He explained:

They’re like big pieces of salami – and not little kind you get on the Charcuterie plate at Segovia. More like the bologna style you might see on a sub from Quizno’s. I’d even say they’re almost as big as the back bacon slices they serve at the Moonlight Inn.

Longtime friend of Elk-Ida windsurfing and Windsurfyourgoddamnfaceoff’s Asian correspondent Pat Meeler confirmed that Schott was indeed selling t-shirts. Mr. Meeler reported:

Being a VB sailor myself, in fact winner of the Young Masters award back in 1993, I was happy to show Aaron around when he arrived in Thailand. I’ve known the guy for awhile but it still surprised me when he immediately cut holes in all his t-shirts to expose his gargantuan nipples. He said they were getting too hot. I was weirded out, but I thought ‘whatever, it’s Thailand. There’s all sorts of fucked-up shit going on here.’ Anyways, over the next few days, I started seeing other people around the beach and the bars with shirts cut in a similar fashion. I think it’s hideous, but what the fuck do I know; they don’t teach this shit in engineering school.

Schott soon began buying cheap t-shirts, cutting the nipples out, and selling them on the beach. It wasn’t long before he had a small workshop operating on cheap child labor. The children would embroider “Mr. Big Nip” onto cheap Thai cotton shirts before Mr. Schott cut crude holes in the shirts and took them the beach to sell at extraordinary markups to mushroom milkshake addled tourists. Meeler says he didn’t think there was much to it at first, but later realized that Schott had bigger ambitions.

Everyone was wearing these stupid shirts! I mean, he was making good money. He had a new Hobie Cat and a nice beach hut, but when representatives from American Apparel and H&M started showing up I knew this was a big deal. My mind was blown; I had to get back to Laos where shit’s real.

The recognition from the two international retailers may be Mr. Schott’s downfall. The lawsuit involving Salisbury House threatens to shut him down - W.D. Stewart is known for large settlements and it’s very likely that he just doesn’t like Schott for one reason or another. He has additional incentive to wrap the suit up before his highly publicized rooftop wedding at the Birchwood this coming summer.

Mr. Schott’s loose association with Elk-Ida could also hurt him. Several members of the organization are well known to Sals CEO Burton Cummings. In one incident, at a party he threw, he caught two Elk Ida members in his bedroom rolling joints on his gold records. Cummings has also on multiple occasions happened upon several Elk Ida members entertaining women in his backyard pool. Though these individuals managed to escape harm or punishment, Aaron Schott may not be so lucky. Cummings had a distant look in his eye when seen at the Charleswood Sorrento’s recently. He reportedly told Dan the bartender that while he’s had his hands on a lot of nips in his life, he’d really like to take down Mr. Big Nip himself and teach those Elk-Ida creeps a lesson.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Big Night

Al Jazeera was involved in yet another run-in at a club, this time sparring with a friend of Beardo’s before he was kicked out of the opening of DJ Frazermania’s country music party “Croppin Grain”. For such a little guy, he sure does start a lot of trouble.

An unnamed source tells the Free Press that Al Jimmy "exchanged terse words with a friend of Beardo’s, who lunged over the table at Ajeee, and Ajeee lunged back. Security stepped in quickly and broke it up before any punches were thrown. Two security guards led him out holding his hands behind his head. His girlfriend, Patrick Chipman, was clearly upset and ran down the stairs after them. Outside, he fell onto a barricade. Swearing, he picked himself up and ran off." Strange, considering Beardo and Al Jimmy were palling it up earlier at a screening for The Windsurfing Movie II.

Al Jimmy’s people deny this, saying the stock broker, "actually left the club early as planned ... he went to Papa George’s for a small vegetarian pizza and a diet coke and later went home to his 1 bedroom walk up ... exiting through a crowded room was apparently misinterpreted. No altercation occurred." Maybe it was just somebody who looked like Al Jazeera. There's a lot of those around these days.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Elk-Ida Defence Counsel to Wed; Schootsie to Perform Nuptials

Winnipeg - W. D. Stewart announced last week that he is set to marry his beau, Jessica G., next summer. Stewart has risen to prominence - and notoriety - in prairie legal circles for his successful defences of Elk-Ida members in a handful of recent criminal trials. "I'm totally happy for him, bra" said Pen Beterson, a mainstay on Mr. Stewart's client list.
Insiders confirm that Rev. Daniel 'Schootsie Muffin' Schott will preside over the service, which is expected to take place on the roof of the Birchwood Motor Inn, at sunset, sometime in July.
Though Mr. Stewart and Ms. G. have been dating for a number of years, Mr. Stewart was still, for some reason, introducing her as "my new girlfriend" as recently as this past Thanksgiving.
Las Vegas oddsmakers have already taken bets as to who will snag the prestigious position of best man. The list of candidates is a virtual who's-who of the jet-setting 40-something crew: Bell and Ateah are the odds-on favourites. Dan Angus is the (very) dark horse.
Mr. Stewart was unavailable for comment but yesterday, when a reporter asked him who would be footing the bill for the festivities, he was heard to have muttered, "Who do you think?"