|Oliver, seen here "hanging loose" during a recent trip to a Mexican all-inclusive|
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Friday, November 30, 2012
Those of us here in stool pigeon alley, over at the WSYGFO Extremism Science Institute remember fondly when a professional skateboarder named Jamie Thomas signed to Toy Machine back in 1994. We were all like: "Jamie Thomas, like that kid from Sports Day with the bundles of red ribbons, smile like summer vacation, and robust family support..."
Jamie Thomas remains active in the skateboard world, doing stuff like this:
Jamie "Chames" Thomas has focused on his study of law, watersport, curling, and domestic fastidiousness, but one question remains unanswered. Did Chames turn his back on a possible career as a skater?
As this recently leaked photo (shot by Cory Elkaim, from the car, with a long zoom) suggests, if Chames is ever disbarred, he still has a silky SS-BS-TS to fall back on.
Friend of this blog, Dr. Mike McDermott, the president and CEO of Green Apple Skateboards Ltd, released the following statement upon seeing the above photo of Chames ripping: "Obviously there is only one Jamie Thomas in skating, but Chames is a unique name, it fits on a deck, and Chames is definitely good at the being photographed in cool hats and khakis side of the profession. The more I think about it, it's a fresh name, like Jovante or Spanky or Willow...Chames. I'd think about flowing him."
We at the Extremism Science Institute will post more on this story as it develops. For now, we will take whatever scraps we can get from either of the ambitious, if shadowy ripping Thomases.
Which Thomas is this? Jamie or Chames?
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Friday, August 3, 2012
Friday, July 20, 2012
|Mr. van Berkel (far right), moments before he became exhausted|
The Commodore's Office released a statement later that night expressing regret for interrupting the service, blaming the Commodore's condition on "acute exhaustion." A doctor who treated Mr. van Berkel at Vancouver General Hospital would not speak for attribution but confirmed that exhaustion was a contributing factor. "When people who work extremely hard - whether it be Lindsay Lohan or one of the Olsen twins - add the excitement of getting together with friends to the mix, we often see a reaction in which those individuals have trouble maintaining ordinary energy levels," said the doctor. As energy levels drop symptoms can include the blurring of vision, slurring of speech and having trouble maintaining balance. After-effects can include headaches and nausea.
However, guests at the wedding were concerned that other factors had contributed to Mr. van Berkel's condition. "He likes a cheeseburger," offered friend Chip P. Chrisman, "that much we know." Concern about the Commodore's diet was echoed by other friends and associates. "It's not uncommon for his intake of greasy food to overwhelm his system," confirmed AJ Tooley, "and when that's the case he has to have doctors scrape away the grease clogging his veins - at the Health Sciences Centre they call it a 'Berkelectomy'."
As for the family of the bride and groom, they maintained that there were no hard feelings between them and Mr. van Berkel. Said the father of the groom, Mr. Jeff Patterson: "Would we have chosen to have someone flailing around like a plastic bag in the wind as the bride walked down the aisle? No. But hey, these things happen and there's not much you can do about it. I'm sure he feels bad enough."
Mr. van Berkel, who did not return this reporter's calls requesting comment, has publicly maintained that he hopes to put the incident behind him but, among the Victoria Beach sailing community, there is concern about his health in the face of the upcoming August long weekend - perhaps the year's high-point for exhaustion. Chief of Police Stewart McPherson says that police and paramedics encounter countless cases of exhaustion every August long. "We see exhaustion in all forms over those three days, he says, "exhaustion on the beach, at barbeques, on the golf course, and, especially, at social functions that sometimes stretch late into the night."
Jack Brisco, a researcher at the Birchwood Institute for the Study of Exhaustion notes that, though the science is still shaky, there seems to be some connection between the onset of exhaustion and proximity to sunshine, laughter and music. Some at Victoria Beach worry it might necessarily be a dark, quiet and mirthless August long weekend for the Commodore.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Friday, March 2, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Monday evening and everybody making the trek to the Birchwood Motor Hotel, just south of Victoria Beach, is in a remarkably upbeat frame of mind. Traffic on the 59 is a nightmare, what else is new? Doesn’t matter. The weather has been spectacular, but at 8 p.m., it’s chilly by Manitoba’s recent standards and just about everybody here has their hands gripped around a cold sleeve of beer.
The Schwood usually does brisk business every evening, but today it is packed, in honour of a special guest - the Burger Connoisseur , Ryan Van Berkel, ELK-Ida’s “least active member”, who has done for Cheeseburgers what Colonel Sanders did for chicken, and put the delicious beef-based sandwich on the map.
Berkel, who mostly works days, admits to not being used to these late nights, but he moves from table to table, with a smile on his face. He is here on a weekday to host Burgs with Burks, an unlikely fundraiser that stemmed from Berkel’s admission, back in summer 2011, that he missed the entire windsurfing season because of back spasms, an injury that flared up just as he was digging into a “Sis & Me” at the moonlight.
Now, oddball injuries seem to be part of the vast Elk-Ida team landscape, and getting injured in a diner booth is probably no stranger than Chippers getting hurt, bending down to pick up a half smoked roach. Or the time that Ben Peterson went down because his dog, Buddy, mistook his hand for a ball of hash and chowed down, breaking a finger and severing an artery.
But Berk’s escapades - his burg fiasco, his banquet-gate - went viral, in part because his struggle to actually windsurf has been so great that he became an object of Internet ridicule. This was a patently unfair development, given that Berkel was making fun of the incident right from the beginning. But humour doesn’t always translate well into Cyberspace, so he is here, raising cash for the VBYC’ rainy day windsurfing fund in a good-humored attempt to change the spin on the story.
“It took me a while to, but to see all the people here, and how happy burgs make them, made it worth it,” said Van Berkel
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Amongst holiday party goers his name is legendary. From ugly sweater parties to Value Village formals Ryan Van Brisebois has thought of it all.
Choice cuts of meat? Check
Assortment of cheeses? You bet.
And so with great anticipation the masses await the “Holly”day party. This party promises to be the social event of the season, full with nervous grins and enough mats for everyone to put their shoes on. Brisebois never hesitates to throw a shin dig when occasion calls. Looking for a great living room dance party? Well you found it, like a clutch 8th ender draw, it’s in “da house”. Call the vet, tell him to stay at home, we just buried that puppy. Some highlights to be hotly watched are the ubiquitous “kinky limbo” and straight face contests, try to break a smile, the host dares you. This could be the event of the season so be prepared to pack a disposable camera, the pictures may be incriminating. “The guest line up is one of the hardest to crack in the city”, reports party ambassador Arctic Jester Tooley. “Sean Cronin is coming …he didn’t know that the Jets were back…but he heard about this party”. Nervous about not being invited? No worries, if you receive a text stating that there is no party or the house is full these are simply clever devices to let you know that yes, it’s on, come over and bring some Clamato juice. Yes December 16th will be the icing on the cake for a glorious year in Peg city. Talk about party.
Um…there’s food, drinks, dancing, people…ahh, friends, smokes, sweaters, good times.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Today’s news isn’t quite as light-hearted: an insider with a prominent Winnipeg law firm has confirmed that former Elk-Ida defense counsel W.D. Stewart, Esq. has been retained by Salisbury House Restaurants Inc. to represent it in a lawsuit against VBYC sailor Aaron Schott. Sals CEO Burton Cummings alleges that Mr. Schott is in the process of building a South-East Asian t-shirt sales empire under the moniker ‘Mr. Big Nip’. If allegations prove to be true the name would infringe on the trademark for the name of Sals’ signature hamburger.
They’re like big pieces of salami – and not little kind you get on the Charcuterie plate at Segovia. More like the bologna style you might see on a sub from Quizno’s. I’d even say they’re almost as big as the back bacon slices they serve at the Moonlight Inn.
Longtime friend of Elk-Ida windsurfing and Windsurfyourgoddamnfaceoff’s Asian correspondent Pat Meeler confirmed that Schott was indeed selling t-shirts. Mr. Meeler reported:
Being a VB sailor myself, in fact winner of the Young Masters award back in 1993, I was happy to show Aaron around when he arrived in Thailand. I’ve known the guy for awhile but it still surprised me when he immediately cut holes in all his t-shirts to expose his gargantuan nipples. He said they were getting too hot. I was weirded out, but I thought ‘whatever, it’s Thailand. There’s all sorts of fucked-up shit going on here.’ Anyways, over the next few days, I started seeing other people around the beach and the bars with shirts cut in a similar fashion. I think it’s hideous, but what the fuck do I know; they don’t teach this shit in engineering school.
Schott soon began buying cheap t-shirts, cutting the nipples out, and selling them on the beach. It wasn’t long before he had a small workshop operating on cheap child labor. The children would embroider “Mr. Big Nip” onto cheap Thai cotton shirts before Mr. Schott cut crude holes in the shirts and took them the beach to sell at extraordinary markups to mushroom milkshake addled tourists. Meeler says he didn’t think there was much to it at first, but later realized that Schott had bigger ambitions.
Everyone was wearing these stupid shirts! I mean, he was making good money. He had a new Hobie Cat and a nice beach hut, but when representatives from American Apparel and H&M started showing up I knew this was a big deal. My mind was blown; I had to get back to Laos where shit’s real.
The recognition from the two international retailers may be Mr. Schott’s downfall. The lawsuit involving Salisbury House threatens to shut him down - W.D. Stewart is known for large settlements and it’s very likely that he just doesn’t like Schott for one reason or another. He has additional incentive to wrap the suit up before his highly publicized rooftop wedding at the Birchwood this coming summer.
Mr. Schott’s loose association with Elk-Ida could also hurt him. Several members of the organization are well known to Sals CEO Burton Cummings. In one incident, at a party he threw, he caught two Elk Ida members in his bedroom rolling joints on his gold records. Cummings has also on multiple occasions happened upon several Elk Ida members entertaining women in his backyard pool. Though these individuals managed to escape harm or punishment, Aaron Schott may not be so lucky. Cummings had a distant look in his eye when seen at the Charleswood Sorrento’s recently. He reportedly told Dan the bartender that while he’s had his hands on a lot of nips in his life, he’d really like to take down Mr. Big Nip himself and teach those Elk-Ida creeps a lesson.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Winnipeg Jets defenseman Dustin Byfuglien was awarded an honorary lifetime membership to Elk-Aida Windsurfing after his arrest last month on Lake Minnetonka, MN for operating a watercraft while impaired. After passing a breathalyzer test a Hennepin County Sheriff’s Office drug expert concluded that the Jets fan favourite known as Big Buff was high while operating his boat citing: “his eyes were glassy, bloodshot, and showed a lack of smooth pursuit.”
At the honoree ceremony thick with Jets jerseys, some crested with the moniker “Big Puff”, Elk-Aida representative Ben Peterson offered some sage legal advice to Big Buff: “We really dig your style man but lose the motor, cops can’t touch you under sail power only brah.”
When pressed by media for comment on his recent arrest the understated but unflappable Byfuglien offered only a puzzling one line statement:
“I’m a water dude”
Friday, October 14, 2011
Ben Peterson no doubt expected to his Grandma to keep, well, mum after he stole the family’s laser and took it for a joy-sail on a summer weekend.
No such luck. Now the 25-year-old Victoria Beach local is facing nine months in jail.
His Grandmother, Barb was out of town when he set off in the boat with a friend – neither one of them experienced sailors. Unluckily for him, Mr. Peterson ran into trouble off the north side of Elk, and after firing a flare for help, had to be rescued and towed to shore.
His Gram Ma told the VB Herald that she felt obligated to go to the police and teach him a lesson; though making the decision to do so was “absolute hell.” But it was a matter bigger than the ruined boat, she explained. (The family has since sold it, the Hearld reported.) Rescue workers had to spend time fetching her son from the lake when they could have been busting “beer drinkers and dope smokers” on the beaches. “It’s not what you want as a parent but have to do what you feel is right,” she said.
The penalty may seem stiff but Mr. Peterson did have a few more offences on his conscience: two stolen sandwiches and a bag of roaches were also found on the boat, and he admitted to stealing two coozies from Jers, and skipping out on several family meals – though the judge told him stealing his Grandma’s boat was his most serious offence.
When reporters asked her about her relationship with her Grandson, she claimed: “We will be fine. He accepted he was in the wrong and that’s it as far as we’re concerned.”
Of course, Mr. Peterson still has to serve out his jail time (and carry a criminal record with him).
No word on whether Grandma will visit.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Ritsema Says Unexplained Blackouts From Which he Wakes Up Covered In Beer Won't Affect Ability To Lead Project:
Gibson Road, Victoria Beach—VBYC Expansion Project Manager hopeful Jeremy Ritsema fired back Wednesday at critics who have said the V.B. contractor’s ability to lead the project would be greatly hindered by his frequent, hours-long blackouts from which he invariably awakens covered in beer. "This is a complete nonissue—who among us hasn't gotten the occasional blinding headache only to wake up totally nude two days later in an abandoned church, covered from head to toe in Old Milwaukee and with absolutely no recollection of what happened in the intervening time?" said Ritsema, later adding that he is otherwise healthy and, in fact, is fairly certain he gets a significant amount of aerobic exercise during his prolonged fugue states. "I think I can handle the job of running the expansion project just fine even if now and again I have one of my little spells where I come to in the middle of Elk Island tightly gripping a crunched pack of butts in one hand and a ragged piece of what I think was Ken Taylor’s wet suit in the other." Many club members have expressed doubt regarding Ritsema’s project managing chances, citing the 1988 loss of Aaron Schott to Ben Pederson after it was discovered the once prominent Scott descendant had cooked and eaten a cold cheese sandwich while sleepwalking.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Bin Ripping has been at the top of the Victoria Beach Police's most wanted list for over a decade, due to the infamous July 11th 2000 or "7/11" atrocities in which Bin Ripping masterminded a series of Elk-Aida coordinated shredding attacks on epic waves off of Clubhouse beach resulting in unprecedented loss of girlfriends among windsponges. Special Ops team member Lee Stevens remembers the incident vividly: "I was pretty young but I still remember my older brother (Special Ops team leader) Lindsay Stevens losing his girlfriend on 7/11 to those Elk-Aida creeps, we both decided then and there that we would devote our lives to finding Bin Ripping and rooting out Elk-Aida windsurfers from our beach community for good".
While the loss of their almost mythical leader surely deals a blow to Elk-Aida, it is believed that they will come back even stronger in coming years as secession plans have been rumored to be implemented and recruitment efforts stepped up within the highly secretive group. Indeed they will likely rally around the passing of their leader, form new bonds, and solidify plans for further attacks on the windy shores of V.B, very likely resulting in further loss of girlfriends among windsponges.
The approximate location of Bin Ripping's watery grave has already become a sort of Mecca among Elk-Aida members as a small flotilla of boards can be seen most days, with a ritualistic cloud of smoke disappearing in the breeze.
Source: Al Jazeera