Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Social Mobility in the Board Sailing Community


Night Moose





Video VIA the almighty blogging of:

http://rightonjpq.tumblr.com/post/78843539089/some-punchlines-are-funny-simply-because-they-have

Friday, April 4, 2014

Selinger Reopens Case for VB Mountain


The mountain building project shelved during the austere, balanced-budget Filmon era is back on the table after Ben Peterson and Charles Adler’s well publicized conversation on CJOB yesterday. Premier Greg Selinger has struck an ad-hoc committee consisting of himself and the previously named. The mountain will be billed as a monument to Mr. Peterson’s valour but will also address the growing concern of Manitoba’s attractiveness to young people. Mr. Selinger released a statement this morning:

“Ben Peterson’s heroics out by Backloop Point are well known to Manitobans and the laps with Beau in Delirium Dive like he does all the time are very deserving of credit but the recent avalanche rescue is truly worthy of some acknowledgement. I’d like to formally announce a mountain building project that will pay tribute to Mr. Peterson and as an additional benefit entice young people to stay here in Manitoba. Charles Adler and I cannot think of anything more important to young Manitobans.”

The mountain will be built at Victoria Beach, a place dear to Mr. Peterson and a very underdeveloped and poorly capitalized community struggling with some of the most important issues in the Province. The gravel pit in the Sandy Bay area is the specific location. Mr. Adler elaborated:

“We’ve taken a lot of gravel out of that pit over the years so it’s time to put something back into it. Plus there’s lots of gravel still in there that we can use to build the mountain. But here’s the best part – we’ve developed a proposal to find all the earth that was washed away during the 2011 weather bomb and bring that in as well. And obviously we’ll use the material that was famously deposited 60 feet way from Mr. Peterson in the recent slide.”

Publically, the goal is to reach an altitude that will sustain snow year-round but inside sources say Selinger has his sights set on taking out Mt. Robson, Canada’s highest peak. Mr. Peterson has lobbied for the peak to include features such as couloirs, convex rollovers, and environments prime for snow accumulation in hopes that glaciers complete with seracs and crevasses will accumulate within 3-5 years of the mountain’s completion.

With plans in place, Selinger is ready to set things in motion. In a recent interview he explained his early reservations but seemed confident that the necessary factors of production are available:  

“I actually asked Ben if he thought I should tighten up my fiscal policy. He said 'stay loose Greg.' So I figure with interest rates at record lows and probably never going up we can afford a sizable provincial bond issue and I’m sure I can get away with a tax hike of a couple points. And there really are a staggering number of poor people and convicts available to build this mountain so Ben, Charles Adler, and I all agree that it’s kind of an easy decision to go ahead with the project in the location we’ve identified.”

An excerpt from an Edward Snowden-leaked email from Selinger to Adler reveals further insight into the motives behind the project.

‘Chuck I think I need a make-work project to boost the economy and gain some power with the people – I mean look at what happened with Germany’s Autobahn project in the 1930’s. And I want a legacy. Take Egypt for example. Like those Pyramids have been there for a long fucking time.’

Political analysts don’t think the leak will be a deal breaker and the Winnipeg Free Press’s comment boards – usually a good indicator of political sentiment - have not been overly critical of Selinger.

Mr. Peterson is certainly optimistic that the project will happen and is looking forward to returning home to Manitoba once it is complete: “I’m just excited to be able to windsurf, snowboard, and take bong hits in my bunkhouse all in the same day.”

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Local Hero Gets a 'C JOB'

Victoria Beach - Windsurfyourgoddamnfaceoff has acquired the raw transcript of an interview that CJOB 680 conducted with Ben Peterson in the wake of Mr. Peterson's rescue of two skiiers who were swept into an avalanche at Sunshine Village. The lively conversation ranged from Mr. Peterson's rescue of the men, to Canmore real estate, and even the long-abandoned plan to build a mountain at Victoria Beach.

CJOB: Ben, thank you very much for joining us.

Ben Peterson: Hey, how's it goin'?

CJOB: So, what happened?

BP: Well, my friend Beau and I were just up doing laps through the Dive, like we do all the time and went down this one spot, and stopped at this spot and then just looked over and there's just this massive avalanche coming down right in front of us. It was incredible.

CJOB: So what are you thinking when this is happening?

BP: Well  I was thinking 'Wow, this is amazing that we're this close to an avalanche while it's happening' - I mean, it was being deposited about 60 feet down from us.

CJOB: Now, is it close enough to the actual spot that you're actually gettin' the spray from the avalanche?

BP: Pretty much I...

CJOB: I mean is this thing rinsing you down as it's going by?

BP: Ya I mean it...

CJOB: It's a yes or no question Mr. Peterson. Were you close enough that this thing was giving you a shave? Yes or no.

BP: [Laughing] Yes.

CJOB: So walk me through what happens next.

BP: Well the avalanche passed and as we were still standing there a guy came down and said there were two skiiers in there so we headed down there and started searching. We found the first guy - he was partially buried. Then we did a group search for the other male victim. We uncovered the second man about 80 feet down the hill. There was no way you could tell there was anyone underneath the snow pack.

CJOB: So when something like this happens there's not a doubt in your mind that it could have been you?

BP: Yeah, I mean we had been on that run an hour before and...

CJOB: Kind of one of those 'There but for the grace of God go I' kind of things.

BP: [Silence] ... Sure.

CJOB: By the way - and I know this is totally off topic - but I've done many tours of duty in Alberta and been based out of Calgary - and again, this has nothing to do with those seriously injured skiiers or your truly incredible rescue of them - but I once had the chance to buy a parcel of land in Canmore and man alive do I regret not taking that opportunity.

BP: Um, yeah, its incredible how much you have to spend to buy land, never mind a house.

CJOB: I mean, I'm tellin' ya - it was my chance for a sweet lick of the shiny brass ring. It was the horse that got away!

BP: [Laughing] I mean you would've been a millionaire right now...

CJOB: [Laughter]

BP: [Laughing] .. Instead of hosting day time talk radio on CJOB 680.

CJOB: Ok, ok, let's get back on track here. Now, how old are you Ben?

BP: 28.

CJOB: I'll ask you the question - we had a little 'Millenial' round table here and a couple of our friends at the University of Manitoba Students Union were here and we discussed why people choose to leave or to stay in Manitoba. Why did you choose to leave? Was it for the adventure?

BP: I left because I always had a love for the mountains. My thing has always been to find the limits and start from there but its tough you know, I miss the summers at Victoria Beach and stuff but again I feel at home out here in the mountains.

CJOB: You don't think the (Communist) Selinger government will put together a little project to build a mountain at Victoria Beach?

BP: You know that's an idea that's been kicked around a lot. I know a couple years back the Council commissioned some plans and looked at those pretty carefully but what with the shoreline quickly eroding into a green toxic sludge, I'm not sure there's the appetite to build a mountain right now.

CJOB: Grim stuff. Well thanks for speaking with us today, Ben - I know we had you waiting on the line there for a bit but we appreciate it.

BP: Well you know what they say, 'Waiting for radio waves is OK, most people spend their lives waiting for nothing.'

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Oliver, seen here "hanging loose" during a recent trip to a Mexican all-inclusive
beach resort.


Sources tell Windsurf Your Face Off Bryn Oliver is attempting a comeback and wants to sail for the Elk-Ida again.


After renting an entry level board and slogging around in the inner bay of a Mexican all inclusive, Oliver decided in February he was fit enough to give the sport another try, so he hired personal trainer Bryan Maycher and has been working diligently since.



Those close to him say he didn't leave the secretive and highly skilled Elk-Ida team the way he wanted, which is fueling his desire to return.

The 28-year-old has been single for almost four weeks and has been training daily in Winnipeg in the hope that a team rep is willing to invite him to training camp.

Interest in the former provincial circuit racing champion won't be enough to clear the way for oliver’s return.  He remains under indefinite suspension and would first have to be approved by team ethics representative Pen Buderson and team nutritionist Dr. Dip Chipman before reinstatement would be considered.

Sources say Oliver recently sent VBYC Commodore Ryan Van Breezy a letter acknowledging his comeback bid and has also discussed the possibility of the club housing his 4 year old bijon shih tzu and having the numerous memorial dedications to his past career removed. The club has confirmed receiving the letter but is unlikely to respect his requests.

At 28, Oliver is one of the youngest sailors in team history to make a comeback attempt. Intense and fearless, oliver made a name for himself for more than his cackle. He could shred, gybe and led girlfriends to leave self delusional windsponges.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Gnar



Tuesday, January 15, 2013



Oprah Winfrey confirmed today that Lance Armstrong came clean to her about his drug use while cycling. The disgraced cyclist was stripped of his seven Tour de France titles last year and faces legal action for his role in ‘the most sophisticated doping programme sport has ever seen.’ The 2 ½ hour interview, which airs Thursday, reportedly features a confession by Armstrong which some fear will expose additional participants in the doping scandal. Among the concerned groups is a local windsurfing team also rumoured to be masterminding a brazen and complex doping scheme. 

Elk-Ida Windsurfing has long been known to condone, if not encourage, drug use while cycling. A survey of the Elk-Ida fleet of bicycles reveals tell-tale signs of doping – beer coozies taped to handlebars, baskets containing known doping paraphernalia, and psychedelic paint jobs. Most of the bikes exhibit the lackadaisical attitude towards maintenance associated with heavy pot use. VB Authorities say that observers shouldn’t be fooled. Corporal Lindsay Stevens: “Despite the poor condition of the bicycles, the lack of footwear, the heavy loads of beer, and the lit cigarettes, the riders are remarkably agile and capable of surprisingly high speeds -especially when it’s windy or if they see sirens. Don’t let them fool you: they’re high and they’re on the way to destroy waves and steal the girlfriends of wind sponges.” Authorities have so far been unable to pin anything associated with doping on the crew although a leaked statement to police by a member of the community referred to a couple of sailors being ‘obviously really stoned’ on the beach one day and Elk-Ida claimed responsibility.

While Elk-Ida as an organization does not deny any accusations, individual members have taken actions to avoid personal identification. One team member is reportedly spending most days in a makeshift shack 40 miles north of Winnipeg on the ice in the middle of the Red River. Another is holed up high in the Monashee Mountains of BC in a rustic log cabin accessible only by helicopter. A non-sailing associate was last seen at an obscure breakfast restaurant in the suburbs of Toronto disguised in long hair, a beard, and vintage designer clothing. Apparently a prominent leader of the organization, currently posing as a student in Eastern Canada, is particularly nervous about a possible investigation into doping at the Slow Bike Race of 2001. His family’s Sports Day reputation could be irreversibly tarnished by the slightest accusation. But one grizzled veteran of stoned cycling, sailing, and canned soda consumption was unconcerned as he pointed to the framed photographs on the walls of his living room. “This is me at the ‘93, no wait ‘94 Hobie Worlds. Baked. This is me winning the 2012 Fisheye. Baked. See? Guys, this’ll be over quicker than Ken Taylor’s term as Commodore.”  

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

V.B Cottages Burkled, Police Baffled



Several cottages were burkled over the holidays at Victoria Beach shocking long-time residents of the sleepy beach community. Among notable cottages burkled was the Dubiensky residence known for serial late night lo-fi cacophony and the hallowed Thomas grounds best known for its rich formative environment and fostering a generation of geniuses.

Police spokesman Ike Ullberg: “This appears to be the work of a crew, a good crew, or one extremely well organized and connected individual capable of executing a multitude of tasks at one time. Whoever it was they made it look easy.”

Strangely not much was taken from the residences, just some frozen pizzas and an iphone charger, a vintage windbreaker, and a frozen bottle of pomade. Historians were relieved to find out that priceless pieces of V.B history were left untouched such as the legendary Dubiensky cassette archive and the hand written correspondence between the Thomas siblings which Ivy league schools have been clamoring over for years.

The burkler(s) left only one clue that has left police baffled, an expertly shot arrow through the first “O’ of a Coors Light can. More information to follow as it becomes available.

V.B Press

Thursday, December 13, 2012

SNARKING



Now in particular I bang like vehicular homicides on July 4th in Bed-Stuy.

Red stye at night, sailor's delight. Red stye morning, sailor take warning.

Is the sky blue?
I don't know is the stye red?

Friday, November 30, 2012

A Tale Of Two Thomases


Those of us here in stool pigeon alley, over at the WSYGFO Extremism Science Institute remember fondly when a professional skateboarder named Jamie Thomas signed to Toy Machine back in 1994. We were all like: "Jamie Thomas, like that kid from Sports Day with the bundles of red ribbons, smile like summer vacation, and robust family support..."

Turned out they were different dudes. Who went different ways.

Jamie Thomas remains active in the skateboard world, doing stuff like this:

 

Jamie "Chames" Thomas has focused on his study of law, watersport, curling, and domestic fastidiousness, but one question remains unanswered. Did Chames turn his back on a possible career as a skater?

As this recently leaked photo (shot by Cory Elkaim, from the car, with a long zoom) suggests, if Chames is ever disbarred, he still has a silky SS-BS-TS to fall back on.


Friend of this blog, Dr. Mike McDermott, the president and CEO of Green Apple Skateboards Ltd, released the following statement upon seeing the above photo of Chames ripping: "Obviously there is only one Jamie Thomas in skating, but Chames is a unique name, it fits on a deck, and Chames is definitely good at the being photographed in cool hats and khakis side of the profession. The more I think about it, it's a fresh name, like Jovante or Spanky or Willow...Chames. I'd think about flowing him."

We at the Extremism Science Institute will post more on this story as it develops. For now, we will take whatever scraps we can get from either of the ambitious, if shadowy ripping Thomases.



Which Thomas is this? Jamie or Chames?

___

Rick Matheson


  




Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Bloggy Z


"I have nothin for ya
Had nothin before
I don't even have a post for myself anymore
Just one thing
I did wrong
Stayed on Myspace, a day too long..."
-Bob


Caption Options For This Photo

Peterson Arrested: Complete Contents of His Pockets

"It's Got A Hole In It"

Paging Dr. Frazerblade

Those YC dudes might have Bieber haircuts, but they're Gord on boards.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Do your thing in the comments babies!


Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Batten down the Hatches

Hurricanes aren't usually an issue on the Canadian Prairies but Environment Canada forecasters have reason to believe that a confluence of several systems could create a signifcant event near Victoria Beach in the next few weeks. Tropical Storm Nadine is on a westerly track from its current location over the Azores and, if models prove accurate, the remenants of the storm could reach the Lake Winnipeg area in the next few weeks. Carl Carlson, Head of Marine Forecasting, also expressed concern about a low pressure system that's been languishing in the Toronto area for the past few weeks. Hurricane Milly is lazily moving around the Toronto area with no particular cause or direction, but models indicate the possibility of it moving west and strengthening. Carlson said the models are not powerful enough to predict what might might happen if Milly and Nadine converge at Victoria Beach simulateously. It can only be assumed that the blowout would be heavier than the 2011 yacht club windup which resulted in the impairment of most of the VB sailing community and reduced the Commodore himself to tears. Local contractor Jerry Ritzema was particularly concerned: "God, I just finished a bunch of jobs on the Sunset Strip - I heard that's where the most damage is expected. The new roof I put on 321 Sunset will probably get torn right off."

Friday, August 3, 2012

No Wind, VBYC to Focus on Recycling


Clang! The unmistakable sound of an empty aluminum can crashing into a pile of its discarded brethren. This is a sound heard more often these days than the clanging of a main halyard on a mast in the fresh breezes of years gone by.

The VBYC is going green, and certainly doing its part for the environment, becoming a community leader in recycling. The spike in aluminum can recycling has been nothing short of remarkable; “I’d say we’ve achieved a 99% diversion rate of cans being tossed in the bush” said club maintenance man Shooter Schott, leaving bored early morning walkers with nothing to do and the beach banter column emptier than the Club fridge on Monday morning.

Clang! Another one bites the dust.

The shift in focus of the club has more than a few sailing purists gripping the gunwales. “We all love sailing, but the numbers don’t lie, and they tell a different story” explained an exhausted looking Commodore Van Berkel.

He clarified: “I love sailing, but lets be honest, sailing numbers are down across the board, I mean I haven’t had my boat on the water in years, the yacht club needs to diversify. There is a chance the winds will never come back, and even if they do, I might be too busy to get out there, we need to start thinking about VBYC without the Y”.

In a statement from his official Twitter account, VBYC Secretary A.J Tooley added “Lets get serious, commodity prices for aluminum have been steady grinding, buoyed by strong demand in China the future looks bright, gains on top of gains, diamonds cutting diamonds, I’m focusing on the East wind”.

Clang!

VBYC Insider

Friday, July 20, 2012

Commodore Ruins Wedding; Bride and Groom Put on a Brave Face

Mr. van Berkel (far right), moments before he became exhausted
Richmond, BC - The radiant bride had taken her first few steps down the aisle in the shadow of the Rocky Mountains with the swollen Fraser River gliding serenely past when a man in a navy suit lurched forward and was caught by surprised friends. Stunned guests turned away from the visibly distraught bride as the man, knocking over chairs as he struggled to stay on his feet, was helped away from the ceremony. This was the scene last night when Commodore Ryan van Berkel took ill during the nuptials of Mr. and Mrs. Dustin Patterson (ne. Skelly).

The Commodore's Office released a statement later that night expressing regret for interrupting the service, blaming the Commodore's condition on "acute exhaustion." A doctor who treated Mr. van Berkel at Vancouver General Hospital would not speak for attribution but confirmed that exhaustion was a contributing factor. "When people who work extremely hard - whether it be Lindsay Lohan or one of the Olsen twins - add the excitement of getting together with friends to the mix, we often see a reaction in which those individuals have trouble maintaining ordinary energy levels," said the doctor. As energy levels drop symptoms can include the blurring of vision, slurring of speech and having trouble maintaining balance. After-effects can include headaches and nausea.

However, guests at the wedding were concerned that other factors had contributed to Mr. van Berkel's condition. "He likes a cheeseburger," offered friend Chip P. Chrisman, "that much we know." Concern about the Commodore's diet was echoed by other friends and associates. "It's not uncommon for his intake of greasy food to overwhelm his system," confirmed AJ Tooley, "and when that's the case he has to have doctors scrape away the grease clogging his veins - at the Health Sciences Centre they call it a 'Berkelectomy'."

As for the family of the bride and groom, they maintained that there were no hard feelings between them and Mr. van Berkel. Said the father of the groom, Mr. Jeff Patterson: "Would we have chosen to have someone flailing around like a plastic bag in the wind as the bride walked down the aisle? No. But hey, these things happen and there's not much you can do about it. I'm sure he feels bad enough."

Mr. van Berkel, who did not return this reporter's calls requesting comment, has publicly maintained that he hopes to put the incident behind him but, among the Victoria Beach sailing community, there is concern about his health in the face of the upcoming August long weekend - perhaps the year's high-point for exhaustion. Chief of Police Stewart McPherson says that police and paramedics encounter countless cases of exhaustion every August long. "We see exhaustion in all forms over those three days, he says, "exhaustion on the beach, at barbeques, on the golf course, and, especially, at social functions that sometimes stretch late into the night."

Jack Brisco, a researcher at the Birchwood Institute for the Study of Exhaustion notes that, though the science is still shaky, there seems to be some connection between the onset of exhaustion and proximity to sunshine, laughter and music. Some at Victoria Beach worry it might necessarily be a dark, quiet and mirthless August long weekend for the Commodore.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

ELK-IDA Fan Club

"Hey girl, can you hold my rifle while I shred"?

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Burgcity


Monday evening and everybody making the trek to the Birchwood Motor Hotel, just south of Victoria Beach, is in a remarkably upbeat frame of mind. Traffic on the 59 is a nightmare, what else is new? Doesn’t matter. The weather has been spectacular, but at 8 p.m., it’s chilly by Manitoba’s recent standards and just about everybody here has their hands gripped around a cold sleeve of beer.

The Schwood usually does brisk business every evening, but today it is packed, in honour of a special guest - the Burger Connoisseur , Ryan Van Berkel, ELK-Ida’s “least active member”, who has done for Cheeseburgers what Colonel Sanders did for chicken, and put the delicious beef-based sandwich on the map.

Berkel, who mostly works days, admits to not being used to these late nights, but he moves from table to table, with a smile on his face. He is here on a weekday to host Burgs with Burks, an unlikely fundraiser that stemmed from Berkel’s admission, back in summer 2011, that he missed the entire windsurfing season because of back spasms, an injury that flared up just as he was digging into a “Sis & Me” at the moonlight.

Now, oddball injuries seem to be part of the vast Elk-Ida team landscape, and getting injured in a diner booth is probably no stranger than Chippers getting hurt, bending down to pick up a half smoked roach. Or the time that Ben Peterson went down because his dog, Buddy, mistook his hand for a ball of hash and chowed down, breaking a finger and severing an artery.

But Berk’s escapades - his burg fiasco, his banquet-gate - went viral, in part because his struggle to actually windsurf has been so great that he became an object of Internet ridicule. This was a patently unfair development, given that Berkel was making fun of the incident right from the beginning. But humour doesn’t always translate well into Cyberspace, so he is here, raising cash for the VBYC’ rainy day windsurfing fund in a good-humored attempt to change the spin on the story.

“It took me a while to, but to see all the people here, and how happy burgs make them, made it worth it,” said Van Berkel

Thursday, February 9, 2012

no friends on a windy day

Ben Peterson scanned the crowded restaurant for her but she wasn’t there. He glanced at his watch and began to butter a breadstick but his trembling hand made it difficult. A single tear dropped into his fourth glass of 2006 Masi Contasera. The bottle had cost nearly a week’s revenue from Prairie Ocean Windsurfing. He watched the ripples in the wine. The waiter came to the table. Between shallow gasps for air he asked for the cheque. He paid and downed the last of the slightly salty wine. Just as he stood to leave she walked in. She was upset. She said she couldn’t be number two. She said if he loved windsurfing more than her then he should follow his heart. When he finally spoke she was already too far away to hear.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Caption Contest

Elk Ida's own Big Buff chillin with R & B singer Twista in Fraze's living room. Send your caption and win a free sailing lesson from Prairie Ocean Windsurfing.

Winner:
"They crease is like the trap, end of the day, it don't matter how fast you are, being big and standing tall separate hall of fame from just in the game. Shit yo, two flashes"

Runner up:
"I sure could use some cupcakes or peanut butter cups right about now, you know what that's about?"

Saturday, December 10, 2011

**Editor's note: As noted in the following article, pay no mind to the clever message sent out earlier this week, the Holly-day shaker is definitely ON for this Friday, December 16th. For those of you going to the curling party cruise by Holly after! Call or text Ryan van Berkel if there's any confusion. See you there!

Happy Holidays

Amongst holiday party goers his name is legendary. From ugly sweater parties to Value Village formals Ryan Van Brisebois has thought of it all.

Choice cuts of meat? Check
Assortment of cheeses? You bet.

And so with great anticipation the masses await the “Holly”day party. This party promises to be the social event of the season, full with nervous grins and enough mats for everyone to put their shoes on. Brisebois never hesitates to throw a shin dig when occasion calls. Looking for a great living room dance party? Well you found it, like a clutch 8th ender draw, it’s in “da house”. Call the vet, tell him to stay at home, we just buried that puppy. Some highlights to be hotly watched are the ubiquitous “kinky limbo” and straight face contests, try to break a smile, the host dares you. This could be the event of the season so be prepared to pack a disposable camera, the pictures may be incriminating. “The guest line up is one of the hardest to crack in the city”, reports party ambassador Arctic Jester Tooley. “Sean Cronin is coming …he didn’t know that the Jets were back…but he heard about this party”. Nervous about not being invited? No worries, if you receive a text stating that there is no party or the house is full these are simply clever devices to let you know that yes, it’s on, come over and bring some Clamato juice. Yes December 16th will be the icing on the cake for a glorious year in Peg city. Talk about party.

Um…there’s food, drinks, dancing, people…ahh, friends, smokes, sweaters, good times.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

No you Can't

Salisbury House’s ‘Yes We Can’ philosophy apparently does not apply to Aaron Schott. The Winnipeg institution is in the spotlight again today after its chocolate glazed donuts gained worldwide exposure yesterday on Twitter from TV star Will Arnett.

Today’s news isn’t quite as light-hearted: an insider with a prominent Winnipeg law firm has confirmed that former Elk-Ida defense counsel W.D. Stewart, Esq. has been retained by Salisbury House Restaurants Inc. to represent it in a lawsuit against VBYC sailor Aaron Schott. Sals CEO Burton Cummings alleges that Mr. Schott is in the process of building a South-East Asian t-shirt sales empire under the moniker ‘Mr. Big Nip’. If allegations prove to be true the name would infringe on the trademark for the name of Sals’ signature hamburger.





Anyone who has been unfortunate enough to see Mr. Schott shirtless can confirm that he does indeed have huge nips. VBYC Commodore Bryan ‘Safety First’ Van Sleezy cringed when asked about them. He explained:

They’re like big pieces of salami – and not little kind you get on the Charcuterie plate at Segovia. More like the bologna style you might see on a sub from Quizno’s. I’d even say they’re almost as big as the back bacon slices they serve at the Moonlight Inn.

Longtime friend of Elk-Ida windsurfing and Windsurfyourgoddamnfaceoff’s Asian correspondent Pat Meeler confirmed that Schott was indeed selling t-shirts. Mr. Meeler reported:

Being a VB sailor myself, in fact winner of the Young Masters award back in 1993, I was happy to show Aaron around when he arrived in Thailand. I’ve known the guy for awhile but it still surprised me when he immediately cut holes in all his t-shirts to expose his gargantuan nipples. He said they were getting too hot. I was weirded out, but I thought ‘whatever, it’s Thailand. There’s all sorts of fucked-up shit going on here.’ Anyways, over the next few days, I started seeing other people around the beach and the bars with shirts cut in a similar fashion. I think it’s hideous, but what the fuck do I know; they don’t teach this shit in engineering school.




Schott soon began buying cheap t-shirts, cutting the nipples out, and selling them on the beach. It wasn’t long before he had a small workshop operating on cheap child labor. The children would embroider “Mr. Big Nip” onto cheap Thai cotton shirts before Mr. Schott cut crude holes in the shirts and took them the beach to sell at extraordinary markups to mushroom milkshake addled tourists. Meeler says he didn’t think there was much to it at first, but later realized that Schott had bigger ambitions.

Everyone was wearing these stupid shirts! I mean, he was making good money. He had a new Hobie Cat and a nice beach hut, but when representatives from American Apparel and H&M started showing up I knew this was a big deal. My mind was blown; I had to get back to Laos where shit’s real.

The recognition from the two international retailers may be Mr. Schott’s downfall. The lawsuit involving Salisbury House threatens to shut him down - W.D. Stewart is known for large settlements and it’s very likely that he just doesn’t like Schott for one reason or another. He has additional incentive to wrap the suit up before his highly publicized rooftop wedding at the Birchwood this coming summer.

Mr. Schott’s loose association with Elk-Ida could also hurt him. Several members of the organization are well known to Sals CEO Burton Cummings. In one incident, at a party he threw, he caught two Elk Ida members in his bedroom rolling joints on his gold records. Cummings has also on multiple occasions happened upon several Elk Ida members entertaining women in his backyard pool. Though these individuals managed to escape harm or punishment, Aaron Schott may not be so lucky. Cummings had a distant look in his eye when seen at the Charleswood Sorrento’s recently. He reportedly told Dan the bartender that while he’s had his hands on a lot of nips in his life, he’d really like to take down Mr. Big Nip himself and teach those Elk-Ida creeps a lesson.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Big Night



Al Jazeera was involved in yet another run-in at a club, this time sparring with a friend of Beardo’s before he was kicked out of the opening of DJ Frazermania’s country music party “Croppin Grain”. For such a little guy, he sure does start a lot of trouble.



An unnamed source tells the Free Press that Al Jimmy "exchanged terse words with a friend of Beardo’s, who lunged over the table at Ajeee, and Ajeee lunged back. Security stepped in quickly and broke it up before any punches were thrown. Two security guards led him out holding his hands behind his head. His girlfriend, Patrick Chipman, was clearly upset and ran down the stairs after them. Outside, he fell onto a barricade. Swearing, he picked himself up and ran off." Strange, considering Beardo and Al Jimmy were palling it up earlier at a screening for The Windsurfing Movie II.



Al Jimmy’s people deny this, saying the stock broker, "actually left the club early as planned ... he went to Papa George’s for a small vegetarian pizza and a diet coke and later went home to his 1 bedroom walk up ... exiting through a crowded room was apparently misinterpreted. No altercation occurred." Maybe it was just somebody who looked like Al Jazeera. There's a lot of those around these days.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Elk-Ida Defence Counsel to Wed; Schootsie to Perform Nuptials

Winnipeg - W. D. Stewart announced last week that he is set to marry his beau, Jessica G., next summer. Stewart has risen to prominence - and notoriety - in prairie legal circles for his successful defences of Elk-Ida members in a handful of recent criminal trials. "I'm totally happy for him, bra" said Pen Beterson, a mainstay on Mr. Stewart's client list.
Insiders confirm that Rev. Daniel 'Schootsie Muffin' Schott will preside over the service, which is expected to take place on the roof of the Birchwood Motor Inn, at sunset, sometime in July.
Though Mr. Stewart and Ms. G. have been dating for a number of years, Mr. Stewart was still, for some reason, introducing her as "my new girlfriend" as recently as this past Thanksgiving.
Las Vegas oddsmakers have already taken bets as to who will snag the prestigious position of best man. The list of candidates is a virtual who's-who of the jet-setting 40-something crew: Bell and Ateah are the odds-on favourites. Dan Angus is the (very) dark horse.
Mr. Stewart was unavailable for comment but yesterday, when a reporter asked him who would be footing the bill for the festivities, he was heard to have muttered, "Who do you think?"

Monday, October 17, 2011

Bring the boat out, smoke out, watch the water move...

Winnipeg Jets defenseman Dustin Byfuglien was awarded an honorary lifetime membership to Elk-Aida Windsurfing after his arrest last month on Lake Minnetonka, MN for operating a watercraft while impaired. After passing a breathalyzer test a Hennepin County Sheriff’s Office drug expert concluded that the Jets fan favourite known as Big Buff was high while operating his boat citing: “his eyes were glassy, bloodshot, and showed a lack of smooth pursuit.”

At the honoree ceremony thick with Jets jerseys, some crested with the moniker “Big Puff”, Elk-Aida representative Ben Peterson offered some sage legal advice to Big Buff: “We really dig your style man but lose the motor, cops can’t touch you under sail power only brah.”

When pressed by media for comment on his recent arrest the understated but unflappable Byfuglien offered only a puzzling one line statement:

“I’m a water dude”

Friday, October 14, 2011

The Ottawa Ritz

Ottawa - Roger Ritsema shocked the sailing world last spring when he announced that the summer of '11 would be his last as a member of the Victoria Beach Yacht Club. A former cab driver and long-time Hobie Cat racer, Roger came to epitomise a Victoria Beach generation even as his peers sold out to the glamour of engineering in east Asia or to selling highly caffeineated beverages to skiers, snowboarders, and other west coast kids who weren't good at hockey as kids.

Such a stalwart Winnipeger was Mr. Ritsema that few thought the bright lights and power politics of Ottawa would chames him. But, as this reporter found, no sooner had the J. dried on the Ritsema yacht club locker than had Roger sold out to the high-flying Ontario lifestyle.
I met Mr. Ritsema at the downtown Ottawa Hy's, where, he told me (repeatedly), "he makes his big deals, obviously." Mr. Ritsema appeared to have gained weight, a shock to those who remembered him in his trademarked beach stance: gauntly thin, wrapped in an oversize towel, his head under the shade of a Green Team '96 hat and his eyes hidden behind Hobie sunglasses. Some maintain to this day that Radar's look is an pale impression of Ritsema. He seems to have left that look behind. To lunch he wore a power suit, a gaudy silver watch and what he referred to loudly as "Gucci-bucks-nigga-no-laces."
This reporter expressed surprise that Mr. Ritsema had abandoned a burgeoning academic career in the field of natural sciences for the world of commercial real estate development. "It was a natural switch," said Ritsema, "I went from studying the survival of the fittest to being the fittest." He took a pull on his glass of a rare '58 merlot. "This is me surviving."
Reluctant to reminisce about his down to earth prairie upbringing, Mr. Ritsema preferred to steer the conversation back to his new home. "There's just this raw energy about Ottawa," he said, "it's like a dose of Manhattan mixed with a shot of Ibiza." I mentioned that watching bureaucrats trudge from home to office and back again under gray skies hadn't given me that impression. "You gotta live here to get it I guess," said Ritsema, lighting a cigar as he leaned back in his cavernous chair.
As lunch wound down and Mr. Ritsema spent more and more time touching his hand to his in-ear Bluetooth, I pitched him one last question. Surely, I wondered, he must miss the time spent drinking casual beers and sharing laughs on cold 'Peg City nights.
Mr. Ritsema sniggered as he picked up his platinum Visa and pushed back his chair. "Please," he said, "the night life here makes August long at VB look like Deborah Hill's 16th birthday party."
And with that, he was gone.