Optimist Club at Bizzaro VB Votes to Downsize

Bictoria Veach - At the end of an efficiently run meeting last night, members of the Optimist Club at Bizzaro VB voted to demolish part of their elegant, spacious building. "With windsurfing so deeply uncool these days, we just couldn’t justify having all this beautiful, well-appointed space" said a jovial Mivan Icmorris.

Pen Beterson, the movement’s chief proponent, displayed the preparation, calmness and patience that he is known for in his well-reasoned explanation of why the space is unnecessary. Though named for the once-popular Optimist boat, the Club is now home almost exclusively to yachts - none of which are ever sailed recklessly.

The now largely empty windsurfing quarters were added onto the building in the windsurfing craze following Murray McCaig’s gold medal win at the Barcelona Olympics. (Following his victory, Mr. McCaig became infamous when he drunkenly ran down a Spanish police officer on his bicycle.) Slowly but surely, the sport’s popularity has fizzled. Commodore, cautious sailing instructor and nuclear physicist Dr. Ten Kaylor chalks up the decline in interest in the sport to the surge in popularity of cross-country running. "You try to get these young people to come out of their cottages and meet friends but all they want to do is run, eat healthily and participate in anti-smoking campaigns," he said, "frankly it’s frustrating."

Lone windsurfing supporter and local embarrassment Orest Dackow agreed. "We even tried to open this place up at night to entice young people down here - offered free beers and doobies and what not, but kids today at Bizzaro VB just don’t seem interested in fun." Mr. Icmorris recalls being delighted upon opening up the Club one warm morning this summer to find two blurry-eyed 20-somethings asleep on the couch. Turns out they had been up all night studying for their MCATs.

As the meeting dispersed Chris Aldridge, a tall, soft-spoken long-time member lingered behind holding an old Polaroid. "It’s me at the opening of the windsurfing wing," he explained softly . . . "not baked at all."