Thursday, December 13, 2012


Now in particular I bang like vehicular homicides on July 4th in Bed-Stuy.

Red stye at night, sailor's delight. Red stye morning, sailor take warning.

Is the sky blue?
I don't know is the stye red?

Friday, November 30, 2012

A Tale Of Two Thomases

Those of us here in stool pigeon alley, over at the WSYGFO Extremism Science Institute remember fondly when a professional skateboarder named Jamie Thomas signed to Toy Machine back in 1994. We were all like: "Jamie Thomas, like that kid from Sports Day with the bundles of red ribbons, smile like summer vacation, and robust family support..."

Turned out they were different dudes. Who went different ways.

Jamie Thomas remains active in the skateboard world, doing stuff like this:


Jamie "Chames" Thomas has focused on his study of law, watersport, curling, and domestic fastidiousness, but one question remains unanswered. Did Chames turn his back on a possible career as a skater?

As this recently leaked photo (shot by Cory Elkaim, from the car, with a long zoom) suggests, if Chames is ever disbarred, he still has a silky SS-BS-TS to fall back on.

Friend of this blog, Dr. Mike McDermott, the president and CEO of Green Apple Skateboards Ltd, released the following statement upon seeing the above photo of Chames ripping: "Obviously there is only one Jamie Thomas in skating, but Chames is a unique name, it fits on a deck, and Chames is definitely good at the being photographed in cool hats and khakis side of the profession. The more I think about it, it's a fresh name, like Jovante or Spanky or Willow...Chames. I'd think about flowing him."

We at the Extremism Science Institute will post more on this story as it develops. For now, we will take whatever scraps we can get from either of the ambitious, if shadowy ripping Thomases.

Which Thomas is this? Jamie or Chames?


Rick Matheson


Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Bloggy Z

"I have nothin for ya
Had nothin before
I don't even have a post for myself anymore
Just one thing
I did wrong
Stayed on Myspace, a day too long..."

Caption Options For This Photo

Peterson Arrested: Complete Contents of His Pockets

"It's Got A Hole In It"

Paging Dr. Frazerblade

Those YC dudes might have Bieber haircuts, but they're Gord on boards.


Do your thing in the comments babies!

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Batten down the Hatches

Hurricanes aren't usually an issue on the Canadian Prairies but Environment Canada forecasters have reason to believe that a confluence of several systems could create a signifcant event near Victoria Beach in the next few weeks. Tropical Storm Nadine is on a westerly track from its current location over the Azores and, if models prove accurate, the remenants of the storm could reach the Lake Winnipeg area in the next few weeks. Carl Carlson, Head of Marine Forecasting, also expressed concern about a low pressure system that's been languishing in the Toronto area for the past few weeks. Hurricane Milly is lazily moving around the Toronto area with no particular cause or direction, but models indicate the possibility of it moving west and strengthening. Carlson said the models are not powerful enough to predict what might might happen if Milly and Nadine converge at Victoria Beach simulateously. It can only be assumed that the blowout would be heavier than the 2011 yacht club windup which resulted in the impairment of most of the VB sailing community and reduced the Commodore himself to tears. Local contractor Jerry Ritzema was particularly concerned: "God, I just finished a bunch of jobs on the Sunset Strip - I heard that's where the most damage is expected. The new roof I put on 321 Sunset will probably get torn right off."

Friday, August 3, 2012

No Wind, VBYC to Focus on Recycling

Clang! The unmistakable sound of an empty aluminum can crashing into a pile of its discarded brethren. This is a sound heard more often these days than the clanging of a main halyard on a mast in the fresh breezes of years gone by.

The VBYC is going green, and certainly doing its part for the environment, becoming a community leader in recycling. The spike in aluminum can recycling has been nothing short of remarkable; “I’d say we’ve achieved a 99% diversion rate of cans being tossed in the bush” said club maintenance man Shooter Schott, leaving bored early morning walkers with nothing to do and the beach banter column emptier than the Club fridge on Monday morning.

Clang! Another one bites the dust.

The shift in focus of the club has more than a few sailing purists gripping the gunwales. “We all love sailing, but the numbers don’t lie, and they tell a different story” explained an exhausted looking Commodore Van Berkel.

He clarified: “I love sailing, but lets be honest, sailing numbers are down across the board, I mean I haven’t had my boat on the water in years, the yacht club needs to diversify. There is a chance the winds will never come back, and even if they do, I might be too busy to get out there, we need to start thinking about VBYC without the Y”.

In a statement from his official Twitter account, VBYC Secretary A.J Tooley added “Lets get serious, commodity prices for aluminum have been steady grinding, buoyed by strong demand in China the future looks bright, gains on top of gains, diamonds cutting diamonds, I’m focusing on the East wind”.


VBYC Insider

Friday, July 20, 2012

Commodore Ruins Wedding; Bride and Groom Put on a Brave Face

Mr. van Berkel (far right), moments before he became exhausted
Richmond, BC - The radiant bride had taken her first few steps down the aisle in the shadow of the Rocky Mountains with the swollen Fraser River gliding serenely past when a man in a navy suit lurched forward and was caught by surprised friends. Stunned guests turned away from the visibly distraught bride as the man, knocking over chairs as he struggled to stay on his feet, was helped away from the ceremony. This was the scene last night when Commodore Ryan van Berkel took ill during the nuptials of Mr. and Mrs. Dustin Patterson (ne. Skelly).

The Commodore's Office released a statement later that night expressing regret for interrupting the service, blaming the Commodore's condition on "acute exhaustion." A doctor who treated Mr. van Berkel at Vancouver General Hospital would not speak for attribution but confirmed that exhaustion was a contributing factor. "When people who work extremely hard - whether it be Lindsay Lohan or one of the Olsen twins - add the excitement of getting together with friends to the mix, we often see a reaction in which those individuals have trouble maintaining ordinary energy levels," said the doctor. As energy levels drop symptoms can include the blurring of vision, slurring of speech and having trouble maintaining balance. After-effects can include headaches and nausea.

However, guests at the wedding were concerned that other factors had contributed to Mr. van Berkel's condition. "He likes a cheeseburger," offered friend Chip P. Chrisman, "that much we know." Concern about the Commodore's diet was echoed by other friends and associates. "It's not uncommon for his intake of greasy food to overwhelm his system," confirmed AJ Tooley, "and when that's the case he has to have doctors scrape away the grease clogging his veins - at the Health Sciences Centre they call it a 'Berkelectomy'."

As for the family of the bride and groom, they maintained that there were no hard feelings between them and Mr. van Berkel. Said the father of the groom, Mr. Jeff Patterson: "Would we have chosen to have someone flailing around like a plastic bag in the wind as the bride walked down the aisle? No. But hey, these things happen and there's not much you can do about it. I'm sure he feels bad enough."

Mr. van Berkel, who did not return this reporter's calls requesting comment, has publicly maintained that he hopes to put the incident behind him but, among the Victoria Beach sailing community, there is concern about his health in the face of the upcoming August long weekend - perhaps the year's high-point for exhaustion. Chief of Police Stewart McPherson says that police and paramedics encounter countless cases of exhaustion every August long. "We see exhaustion in all forms over those three days, he says, "exhaustion on the beach, at barbeques, on the golf course, and, especially, at social functions that sometimes stretch late into the night."

Jack Brisco, a researcher at the Birchwood Institute for the Study of Exhaustion notes that, though the science is still shaky, there seems to be some connection between the onset of exhaustion and proximity to sunshine, laughter and music. Some at Victoria Beach worry it might necessarily be a dark, quiet and mirthless August long weekend for the Commodore.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

ELK-IDA Fan Club

"Hey girl, can you hold my rifle while I shred"?

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Wednesday, February 15, 2012


Monday evening and everybody making the trek to the Birchwood Motor Hotel, just south of Victoria Beach, is in a remarkably upbeat frame of mind. Traffic on the 59 is a nightmare, what else is new? Doesn’t matter. The weather has been spectacular, but at 8 p.m., it’s chilly by Manitoba’s recent standards and just about everybody here has their hands gripped around a cold sleeve of beer.

The Schwood usually does brisk business every evening, but today it is packed, in honour of a special guest - the Burger Connoisseur , Ryan Van Berkel, ELK-Ida’s “least active member”, who has done for Cheeseburgers what Colonel Sanders did for chicken, and put the delicious beef-based sandwich on the map.

Berkel, who mostly works days, admits to not being used to these late nights, but he moves from table to table, with a smile on his face. He is here on a weekday to host Burgs with Burks, an unlikely fundraiser that stemmed from Berkel’s admission, back in summer 2011, that he missed the entire windsurfing season because of back spasms, an injury that flared up just as he was digging into a “Sis & Me” at the moonlight.

Now, oddball injuries seem to be part of the vast Elk-Ida team landscape, and getting injured in a diner booth is probably no stranger than Chippers getting hurt, bending down to pick up a half smoked roach. Or the time that Ben Peterson went down because his dog, Buddy, mistook his hand for a ball of hash and chowed down, breaking a finger and severing an artery.

But Berk’s escapades - his burg fiasco, his banquet-gate - went viral, in part because his struggle to actually windsurf has been so great that he became an object of Internet ridicule. This was a patently unfair development, given that Berkel was making fun of the incident right from the beginning. But humour doesn’t always translate well into Cyberspace, so he is here, raising cash for the VBYC’ rainy day windsurfing fund in a good-humored attempt to change the spin on the story.

“It took me a while to, but to see all the people here, and how happy burgs make them, made it worth it,” said Van Berkel

Thursday, February 9, 2012

no friends on a windy day

Ben Peterson scanned the crowded restaurant for her but she wasn’t there. He glanced at his watch and began to butter a breadstick but his trembling hand made it difficult. A single tear dropped into his fourth glass of 2006 Masi Contasera. The bottle had cost nearly a week’s revenue from Prairie Ocean Windsurfing. He watched the ripples in the wine. The waiter came to the table. Between shallow gasps for air he asked for the cheque. He paid and downed the last of the slightly salty wine. Just as he stood to leave she walked in. She was upset. She said she couldn’t be number two. She said if he loved windsurfing more than her then he should follow his heart. When he finally spoke she was already too far away to hear.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Caption Contest

Elk Ida's own Big Buff chillin with R & B singer Twista in Fraze's living room. Send your caption and win a free sailing lesson from Prairie Ocean Windsurfing.

"They crease is like the trap, end of the day, it don't matter how fast you are, being big and standing tall separate hall of fame from just in the game. Shit yo, two flashes"

Runner up:
"I sure could use some cupcakes or peanut butter cups right about now, you know what that's about?"