Gnar

Oprah Winfrey confirmed today that Lance Armstrong came clean to her about his drug use while cycling. The disgraced cyclist was stripped of his seven Tour de France titles last year and faces legal action for his role in ‘the most sophisticated doping programme sport has ever seen.’ The 2 ½ hour interview, which airs Thursday, reportedly features a confession by Armstrong which some fear will expose additional participants in the doping scandal. Among the concerned groups is a local windsurfing team also rumoured to be masterminding a brazen and complex doping scheme. 

Elk-Ida Windsurfing has long been known to condone, if not encourage, drug use while cycling. A survey of the Elk-Ida fleet of bicycles reveals tell-tale signs of doping – beer coozies taped to handlebars, baskets containing known doping paraphernalia, and psychedelic paint jobs. Most of the bikes exhibit the lackadaisical attitude towards maintenance associated with heavy pot use. VB Authorities say that observers shouldn’t be fooled. Corporal Lindsay Stevens: “Despite the poor condition of the bicycles, the lack of footwear, the heavy loads of beer, and the lit cigarettes, the riders are remarkably agile and capable of surprisingly high speeds -especially when it’s windy or if they see sirens. Don’t let them fool you: they’re high and they’re on the way to destroy waves and steal the girlfriends of wind sponges.” Authorities have so far been unable to pin anything associated with doping on the crew although a leaked statement to police by a member of the community referred to a couple of sailors being ‘obviously really stoned’ on the beach one day and Elk-Ida claimed responsibility.

While Elk-Ida as an organization does not deny any accusations, individual members have taken actions to avoid personal identification. One team member is reportedly spending most days in a makeshift shack 40 miles north of Winnipeg on the ice in the middle of the Red River. Another is holed up high in the Monashee Mountains of BC in a rustic log cabin accessible only by helicopter. A non-sailing associate was last seen at an obscure breakfast restaurant in the suburbs of Toronto disguised in long hair, a beard, and vintage designer clothing. Apparently a prominent leader of the organization, currently posing as a student in Eastern Canada, is particularly nervous about a possible investigation into doping at the Slow Bike Race of 2001. His family’s Sports Day reputation could be irreversibly tarnished by the slightest accusation. But one grizzled veteran of stoned cycling, sailing, and canned soda consumption was unconcerned as he pointed to the framed photographs on the walls of his living room. “This is me at the ‘93, no wait ‘94 Hobie Worlds. Baked. This is me winning the 2012 Fisheye. Baked. See? Guys, this’ll be over quicker than Ken Taylor’s term as Commodore.”  

V.B Cottages Burkled, Police Baffled

Several cottages were burkled over the holidays at Victoria Beach shocking long-time residents of the sleepy beach community. Among notable cottages burkled was the Dubiensky residence known for serial late night lo-fi cacophony and the hallowed Thomas grounds best known for its rich formative environment and fostering a generation of geniuses.

Police spokesman Ike Ullberg: “This appears to be the work of a crew, a good crew, or one extremely well organized and connected individual capable of executing a multitude of tasks at one time. Whoever it was they made it look easy.”

Strangely not much was taken from the residences, just some frozen pizzas and an iphone charger, a vintage windbreaker, and a frozen bottle of pomade. Historians were relieved to find out that priceless pieces of V.B history were left untouched such as the legendary Dubiensky cassette archive and the hand written correspondence between the Thomas siblings which Ivy league schools have been clamoring over for years.

The burkler(s) left only one clue that has left police baffled, an expertly shot arrow through the first “O’ of a Coors Light can. More information to follow as it becomes available.

V.B Press