Friday, February 26, 2016

Hot on the heels of the tremendous news that beer can help you pick up chicks, we are delighted to report that a Winnipeg man trapped in his car by an avalanche urinated his way to freedom after working his way through 60 half-litre bottles of Moose Head beer. 

According to the Victoria Beach Herald, AJ Tooley was off on holiday when the snow swallowed his Audi near Whistler, British Columbia. Initially, he tried to dig his way out via the car's window, but soon realized that the snow would fill the vehicle long before he could break free.

Mercifully, he had stocked up on essential supplies of alcohol and quickly formulated a cunning plan: "I was scooping the snow from above me and packing it down below the window, and then I peed on it to melt it. It was hard and now my kidneys and liver hurt. But I'm glad the beer I took on holiday turned out to be useful and I managed to get out of there." I guess he didn't consider pouring the beer directly onto the accumulating snow? 

Rescuers eventually found Tooley staggering drunk on a mountain path four days after his ordeal began.

There you have it.  Next time you travel in Avalanche Terrain, make sure you have AT LEAST 60 beers with you.

Sources for this post:
Nowhere, this was completely made up.  

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

A Puritan Thanksgiving

Victoria Beach - The Rural Municipality of Victoria Beach’s campaign to brand the community as a fast-paced, cosmopolitan place in which to do business has been complicated by wolves.

The campaign was intended to attract entrepreneurs to a business community that is anchored by a general store, an Inn that runs on moon power but which never seems to have occupancy and a bakery which sells various forms of lard-based cake. There is also a parking lot.

Councillor Penny McMorris, who is chairing the campaign, says that the initiative is designed to showcase Victoria Beach as a savvy pro-business community that is every bit as fast-paced and glamorous as East Selkirk, Beausejour or Stead. “We want the next Buzzfeed, Google or Schootsiebook to start right here,” said McMorris.

But for many observers, the image of VB as a gleaming media, retail and technology hub is difficult to square with the wolves that are encroaching on the community from the dark woods in which the community sits. Many residents have been woken by the terrifying sound of nature’s beautiful killing machines gliding softly under their cottage windows in the pitch black night – something with which the residents of Palo Alto and San Francisco rarely, if ever, contend.

The community’s mood darkened further last week when the beloved horse, Ajax, was eaten. “Yaaa,” said grizzled local trapper, Ryan Pollard, as he buttoned his denim jacket, “wolves jus’ torn him ‘part. Worst I eva saw."

With nerves increasingly frayed, paranoia, superstition and occultist practices are sharply on the rise. Last Friday night, in a perhaps confused attempt to banish the lupine predators back to the north, Wolf Kraft’s marina was set ablaze by pitchfork-wielding townspeople.

Big name sponsors of the open-for-business campaign have been reluctant to attach their brands to a community in which people have taken to sprinting from cottage to cottage, through the woods, clutching knives and anti-wolf amulets. One executive noted that fostering a technology sector is difficult anywhere, never mind in a place with what he called a “Salem-circa-1690-kind-of-vibe.”

When asked, McMorris recognized the challenge. “A stifling atmosphere of natural menace is not,” she sighed, “generally, conducive to innovation.”

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Like A Ship

Of all the windsurfing blogs capable of taking your side in the community.

Sometimes, when Ludacris DOESN'T remind you that you're #1, you're still inside like "yeah Chris, we made it."

Mic Ludamann off the market.

Two N's.


Naturally Nicest.

I heard Macleod is going to fight Andreas.

In the churchyard.

On election day.

Leaves of three, let me check my degree.

Who Framed Uncontrollable Itch Fits.

Directed by Zemeckis.

Word to Jessica.

Runaways are for models and airplanes.

We don't even play with model airplanes.


The plaque for the alternates is in the ladies room. BYO adhesives.



Sail on everything.

Summer Break In #2

I Come Once A Year. I'm Like The Carnival.


Friday, August 14, 2015

Windy Unhinged Travel Amidst Natural Glory

“I had animals as friends …. They was happy to see me in their own animal way."
-The RZA

"Like a bunch of lunatics, we'll act till way past dawn"
 -The Kings

"Be safe boys"
-The Commodore

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Shameless Power Grab sees Commodore Amend Constitution to Avoid Term Limits

The Victoria Beach Herald newsroom was shocked to learn this morning of an emerging story that will likely leave this quiet beach community in shock for some time. Similar to his sailing style Victoria Beach Yacht Club Commodore R.W Van Berkel seems to have been playing fast and loose with the VBYC constitution, re-writing the document to consolidate his grip on power by repealing term limits for sitting Commodores among other contraventions that clear the way for territorial expansion.

At the time of his election, it was widely speculated by South Basin pundits that Van Berkel had arranged a backroom power sharing agreement with former Commodore Ken Taylor, forging a tenuous coalition between the old guard and the youth caucus represented by Van Berkel. The deal was that after his constitutionally mandated four-year term was through, Van Berkel would step aside and rotate the power back to the old guard. Outwitted, that threat now looks comfortably astern but that may not be last reef in his sail.

Much like a parliamentary omnibus bill there were many surprises for the few who could wade through the complex tome steeped in maritime law. Chamie (James) Thomas (LL.B.) one of the brightest young maritime law minds in the country had been hired by Van Berkel to re-write the constitutional document but became disgruntled with the surly Commodore seemingly drunk on his own prospective power and blew the whistle.

“Now that we effectively can’t vote him out, he seems hell bent on using the 2015 Manitoba Summer Games as a pretext for his long simmering expansionist ideology.” Remarked Mr. Thomas. “Having landed the Games he is now personally overseeing the construction and design of a new facility for the games, in a lot of ways his legacy will rest on these games, but I don’t think he will stop there, he is after a sweeter plum, the heart of the community, I believe he will use force if necessary to annex the clubhouse” Added Mr. Thomas.

Friends say the normally amiable Van Berkel has hardened in recent years, the quick smile and laugh has been exchanged for a serious demeanour and cold calculated judgement. Still stunned from the revelation a long time VBYC member remarked of the situation: “Well, some guys get their kicks from sailing and I guess others get it from power. Now that I think about it I don’t know if I’ve ever actually seen him sail” It remains to be seen how the end game will play out, but make no mistake the Commodore has set a favourable course to ultimate victory.

VBYC Insider

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Social Mobility in the Board Sailing Community

Night Moose

Video VIA the almighty blogging of:

Friday, April 4, 2014

Selinger Reopens Case for VB Mountain

The mountain building project shelved during the austere, balanced-budget Filmon era is back on the table after Ben Peterson and Charles Adler’s well publicized conversation on CJOB yesterday. Premier Greg Selinger has struck an ad-hoc committee consisting of himself and the previously named. The mountain will be billed as a monument to Mr. Peterson’s valour but will also address the growing concern of Manitoba’s attractiveness to young people. Mr. Selinger released a statement this morning:

“Ben Peterson’s heroics out by Backloop Point are well known to Manitobans and the laps with Beau in Delirium Dive like he does all the time are very deserving of credit but the recent avalanche rescue is truly worthy of some acknowledgement. I’d like to formally announce a mountain building project that will pay tribute to Mr. Peterson and as an additional benefit entice young people to stay here in Manitoba. Charles Adler and I cannot think of anything more important to young Manitobans.”

The mountain will be built at Victoria Beach, a place dear to Mr. Peterson and a very underdeveloped and poorly capitalized community struggling with some of the most important issues in the Province. The gravel pit in the Sandy Bay area is the specific location. Mr. Adler elaborated:

“We’ve taken a lot of gravel out of that pit over the years so it’s time to put something back into it. Plus there’s lots of gravel still in there that we can use to build the mountain. But here’s the best part – we’ve developed a proposal to find all the earth that was washed away during the 2011 weather bomb and bring that in as well. And obviously we’ll use the material that was famously deposited 60 feet way from Mr. Peterson in the recent slide.”

Publically, the goal is to reach an altitude that will sustain snow year-round but inside sources say Selinger has his sights set on taking out Mt. Robson, Canada’s highest peak. Mr. Peterson has lobbied for the peak to include features such as couloirs, convex rollovers, and environments prime for snow accumulation in hopes that glaciers complete with seracs and crevasses will accumulate within 3-5 years of the mountain’s completion.

With plans in place, Selinger is ready to set things in motion. In a recent interview he explained his early reservations but seemed confident that the necessary factors of production are available:  

“I actually asked Ben if he thought I should tighten up my fiscal policy. He said 'stay loose Greg.' So I figure with interest rates at record lows and probably never going up we can afford a sizable provincial bond issue and I’m sure I can get away with a tax hike of a couple points. And there really are a staggering number of poor people and convicts available to build this mountain so Ben, Charles Adler, and I all agree that it’s kind of an easy decision to go ahead with the project in the location we’ve identified.”

An excerpt from an Edward Snowden-leaked email from Selinger to Adler reveals further insight into the motives behind the project.

‘Chuck I think I need a make-work project to boost the economy and gain some power with the people – I mean look at what happened with Germany’s Autobahn project in the 1930’s. And I want a legacy. Take Egypt for example. Like those Pyramids have been there for a long fucking time.’

Political analysts don’t think the leak will be a deal breaker and the Winnipeg Free Press’s comment boards – usually a good indicator of political sentiment - have not been overly critical of Selinger.

Mr. Peterson is certainly optimistic that the project will happen and is looking forward to returning home to Manitoba once it is complete: “I’m just excited to be able to windsurf, snowboard, and take bong hits in my bunkhouse all in the same day.”

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Local Hero Gets a 'C JOB'

Victoria Beach - Windsurfyourgoddamnfaceoff has acquired the raw transcript of an interview that CJOB 680 conducted with Ben Peterson in the wake of Mr. Peterson's rescue of two skiiers who were swept into an avalanche at Sunshine Village. The lively conversation ranged from Mr. Peterson's rescue of the men, to Canmore real estate, and even the long-abandoned plan to build a mountain at Victoria Beach.

CJOB: Ben, thank you very much for joining us.

Ben Peterson: Hey, how's it goin'?

CJOB: So, what happened?

BP: Well, my friend Beau and I were just up doing laps through the Dive, like we do all the time and went down this one spot, and stopped at this spot and then just looked over and there's just this massive avalanche coming down right in front of us. It was incredible.

CJOB: So what are you thinking when this is happening?

BP: Well  I was thinking 'Wow, this is amazing that we're this close to an avalanche while it's happening' - I mean, it was being deposited about 60 feet down from us.

CJOB: Now, is it close enough to the actual spot that you're actually gettin' the spray from the avalanche?

BP: Pretty much I...

CJOB: I mean is this thing rinsing you down as it's going by?

BP: Ya I mean it...

CJOB: It's a yes or no question Mr. Peterson. Were you close enough that this thing was giving you a shave? Yes or no.

BP: [Laughing] Yes.

CJOB: So walk me through what happens next.

BP: Well the avalanche passed and as we were still standing there a guy came down and said there were two skiiers in there so we headed down there and started searching. We found the first guy - he was partially buried. Then we did a group search for the other male victim. We uncovered the second man about 80 feet down the hill. There was no way you could tell there was anyone underneath the snow pack.

CJOB: So when something like this happens there's not a doubt in your mind that it could have been you?

BP: Yeah, I mean we had been on that run an hour before and...

CJOB: Kind of one of those 'There but for the grace of God go I' kind of things.

BP: [Silence] ... Sure.

CJOB: By the way - and I know this is totally off topic - but I've done many tours of duty in Alberta and been based out of Calgary - and again, this has nothing to do with those seriously injured skiiers or your truly incredible rescue of them - but I once had the chance to buy a parcel of land in Canmore and man alive do I regret not taking that opportunity.

BP: Um, yeah, its incredible how much you have to spend to buy land, never mind a house.

CJOB: I mean, I'm tellin' ya - it was my chance for a sweet lick of the shiny brass ring. It was the horse that got away!

BP: [Laughing] I mean you would've been a millionaire right now...

CJOB: [Laughter]

BP: [Laughing] .. Instead of hosting day time talk radio on CJOB 680.

CJOB: Ok, ok, let's get back on track here. Now, how old are you Ben?

BP: 28.

CJOB: I'll ask you the question - we had a little 'Millenial' round table here and a couple of our friends at the University of Manitoba Students Union were here and we discussed why people choose to leave or to stay in Manitoba. Why did you choose to leave? Was it for the adventure?

BP: I left because I always had a love for the mountains. My thing has always been to find the limits and start from there but its tough you know, I miss the summers at Victoria Beach and stuff but again I feel at home out here in the mountains.

CJOB: You don't think the (Communist) Selinger government will put together a little project to build a mountain at Victoria Beach?

BP: You know that's an idea that's been kicked around a lot. I know a couple years back the Council commissioned some plans and looked at those pretty carefully but what with the shoreline quickly eroding into a green toxic sludge, I'm not sure there's the appetite to build a mountain right now.

CJOB: Grim stuff. Well thanks for speaking with us today, Ben - I know we had you waiting on the line there for a bit but we appreciate it.

BP: Well you know what they say, 'Waiting for radio waves is OK, most people spend their lives waiting for nothing.'

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Oliver, seen here "hanging loose" during a recent trip to a Mexican all-inclusive
beach resort.

Sources tell Windsurf Your Face Off Bryn Oliver is attempting a comeback and wants to sail for the Elk-Ida again.

After renting an entry level board and slogging around in the inner bay of a Mexican all inclusive, Oliver decided in February he was fit enough to give the sport another try, so he hired personal trainer Bryan Maycher and has been working diligently since.

Those close to him say he didn't leave the secretive and highly skilled Elk-Ida team the way he wanted, which is fueling his desire to return.

The 28-year-old has been single for almost four weeks and has been training daily in Winnipeg in the hope that a team rep is willing to invite him to training camp.

Interest in the former provincial circuit racing champion won't be enough to clear the way for oliver’s return.  He remains under indefinite suspension and would first have to be approved by team ethics representative Pen Buderson and team nutritionist Dr. Dip Chipman before reinstatement would be considered.

Sources say Oliver recently sent VBYC Commodore Ryan Van Breezy a letter acknowledging his comeback bid and has also discussed the possibility of the club housing his 4 year old bijon shih tzu and having the numerous memorial dedications to his past career removed. The club has confirmed receiving the letter but is unlikely to respect his requests.

At 28, Oliver is one of the youngest sailors in team history to make a comeback attempt. Intense and fearless, oliver made a name for himself for more than his cackle. He could shred, gybe and led girlfriends to leave self delusional windsponges.